Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

[kellymoe]

About 2 years ago my life slowly started slide into a mire that I was totally unfamiliar with. All my life I was known as mr. laid back and never took life too seriously. I have a job that allows lots of time with my family and also lots of time doing the things I love such as climbing, ww kayaking, backcountry skiing and exploring the deserts and mountains of California. My job has also exposed me to a tone of crap. For the past 20 years I have been a firefighter/paramedic with the Los Angeles City Fire Dept. The first 10 years were spent in South Central LA and Hollywood and the last 10 years have been spent in East Los Angeles. Early on in my career I rode on rescues that averaged 25 calls in a 24 hour shift and some shifts while riding a rescue in Skid Row I ran over 30 calls a shift. Needless to say I saw a lot of horrible stuff that I couldn't even make up if I tried. I got along well for 18 years on gallows humor, youth and an understanding and loving wife. Then things started to change. I responded to a child choking. I had been on several child choking calls in the past but this one was tough. A 7 y/o girl was choking on a ball and we were having a tough time getting it out with the laryngoscope and forceps. I almost broke down in tears right there. This was a new feeling. I went home and cried for the first time in my career. Scared and confused I didnt tell anyone. I started to dread the alarm. Fires were fine because it's always physical and very fun, it's why you become a fireman, right? But EMS calls started to dredge up memories of old calls I had been on years ago.
At home I started becoming more quiet and not a care free. I got angry faster, stayed up later and started crying for no apparent reason at all. I was a mess. Then on Christmas eve 2 years ago I had a big blow out with my wife over something I cant even remember now. My wife told me I was a totally different person and that we need to get help.
I started seeing a therapist. Never in my life did I ever think I would end up seeing a therapist but here I was on "the couch". Over the period of a few months I was diagnosed with clinical depresion and PTSD. I continued the therapy and started taking a anti depresent. Today I am about 90% of what I would consider normal. I also had back surgery a few years ago and live in constant pain but I am coping well with it, well as good as I can with constant pain.

I am writing this because of a post just below this about having 24-48 hours to live. 2 years ago I would be in bed sobbing after reading that, especialy since I have 2 young kids of my own. I thank God for making my wife kick me in the butt and get help. Not too many people know about this. I think writing about it helps with the healing process.

Has anybody else suffered from PTSD? One of the crippeling effects PTSD had on me was it took away my drive to do the things I loved. Now I am back and look forward to getting out and going on trips again. It's great to have a positive outlook on life again.:luxhello:

[SEREvince]

I appreciate your candor on the subject! I still find it amazing that people expect anyone (even themselves sometimes) to deal with horrific situations with out being affected. It's a pretty common attitude that is begining to change here in the military after several hundred years of "keep a stiif upper lip","John Wayne", BS. I imagine that the attitude is pretty similar among First Resonders and Law Enforcement folks as well.

If experiencing terrible stuff doesn't affect a person, then I would really question their humanity. I would not want some one like that responding to help my family or beside me in war!

I am very glad you got help! I just wish more people would do the same...

BTW: I have a family member who is a firefighter/ paramedic and had an identical experience. There was a rough spell were he pretty much isolated himself from everyone.

Cheers

Vince

[stevenmd]

Yes, thank you for your openness on the subject. I work with PTSD every day in my line of work. I currently run a narcotic treatment program. My patients run from 20 year heroin addicts to young kids addicted to oxy's to pain management patients now hooked on opiate pain killers to Desert Storm and Iraqi war vets (young kids!). Most of the patients have some form/level of PTSD. While it takes years to delve into the deep issues surrounding PTSD, the most important thing is to learn how to live with the day-to-day feelings and emotions.

Prior to this I worked in the foster care and child protective services industries. I have seen some harrowing stuff. I have witnessed the after effects of drug use, sexual abuse, physical abuse, etc. I am never surprised when my current patients tell me of their past.

Kudos to your wife for having the love and courage to stick by your side. Kudos to you for have the love and courage of your fellow man to serve in the capacity in which you have.

[XXXpedition]

glad to hear you'reon your way back up! i personally have not experienced any of this but know of peolpe who had stress relatedbreak-downs, etc.

all the best
sven

[Streakerfreak]

Jenn's father has seen a lot in his life, so he most definitely suffers from it.


He was first drafted into the Vietnam War. There he severed as a grunt on the ground and saw stuff he has never told anyone. Not even his family. Jenn has told me that when she was little she remembers him screaming in the middle of the night. He even turned to alcohol for a while.


After the War he became a NYC fire fighter. You can't get much worse then that. A few years before Sept 11, he was fighting a fire in The City. The fire escape he was on was not up to code and collapsed with him on it. He had to go through many surgeries and has all sorts of rods and stuff in his legs. Granted he can walk, but not well enough to work. So he was forced into early retirement, which turned out to be a good thing.


The drinking got worse and the spells increased. Then came September 11. His company was one of the first responders and most everyone from his company was in the WTC when it collapsed. He lost a lot of friends that day. As did most everyone in there Long Island neighborhood. A few people in her neighborhood have recently died due to cancer caused by toxic fume exposer they suffered while at ground zero.


Let's just say this has not helped his flashbacks, etc. Do you guys remember that documentary that was on TV by those French guys that happened to by at Ground Zero when it happened? Well he was watching that and to his horror they filmed some helmets that where found at ground zero. Most of them were from his company. He went to funerals for over a year after.


Luckily he was able to kick alcohol, but he was still not the same. You were able to see it in his eyes that he is somewhere else. Two years ago Jenn's mother passed away from complications her M.S. caused her cancer surgery. Again, he started to drink, but somehow the passing of Jenn's mother kicked something out of him. He now smokes less, does not drink, talks to Jenn more, which he did not before, rides a bike the best he can and actually has gone through a major change since we last saw him. So I guess he just needed something to break the ties with his past

[Rexsname]

I am so sorry to hear of your struggle. I too am struggling with PTSD, an adjustment disorder and depression. I was medically retired from the Sheriffs Office about 5 years ago and was doing OK until just recently. About 3 weeks ago my wife was arrested and my whole support system was yanked out from under me. I am facing the loss of our home and property. I brought my handguns to my in-laws house because I was scared of what I might do. I feel as tho I have no friends and precious little hope. I cling to my faith in God but do not feel his presence.

We will have our day in court and remain innocent until proven guilty but the media has destroyed her reputation and our business. This forum remains a huge help and I ask all of you for your prayers as we work through this horrible time in our lives.

Thank you.........

REX

[jh504]

This is very interesting to me that this subject is coming up as I have been dealing with symptoms of PTSD the past few months. I am an EMT, but I am not in a high volume area like LA or NYC so I have not delt with the massive amounts of trauma that an area like that has.
I was, however, the victim of a near fatal car wreck in Jan of this year, which I have shared in another thread on this site.
I have always been the type of person who thinks that in today's age too many people blame their "issues" on some type of syndrome and dont take responsibility for their own actions. I had this mindset until recently when I noticed a change in myself. I too am a very laid back individual but I started letting the smallest things drive me over the edge. Everyday there was something going on that would trigger a rage inside of me. I had extremly violent thoughts running through my head all day, and ever since the accident I have not been able to fall alseep before 1 or 2 am. My marriage was really taking alot of abuse and a few weeks ago I damaged a very close friendship over nothing. After that I was in an argument with my wife and I destroyed our bedroom door splattering blood from my hand all over the house.
The next morning I sat down and said what is wrong with me? This is not who I am! Thats when it hit me, I am suffering from all the symptoms of PTSD. Let me tell you that just coming to a realization of that has made all the difference in the world. The first step is identifying the problem. Me and my wife have started counceling sessions and our marriage is better now than ever. I am a biblical Christian and I rely heavily on my God in times like this. I believe that through my accident, rehab, and now PTSD He has given me the strength to carry on and overcome.
I still believe that we all have to take responsibility for our actions but part of that includes recognizing when you have a problem and taking the steps to resolve it. That is something that I have learned through all of this.

BTW I am in constant prayer for anyone dealing with these issues.

[Hltoppr]

I would say that most, if not all, members of the EMS community have some PTSD issues; whether or not they'll admit it. Glad to see you've gotten some assistance. Our department has started to require a PTSD debriefing at the least in the event of a "bad" incident. I have to say it does help!

-H-

[Z O O R O P A]

great thread!

I'm sure it isn't easy to share these things and if it is any consolation I think it may help others understand it or themselves easier

I think anyone who deals with the human condition whether it is as a medic, war, mental health, or in a Hospital experience a form of this. It is only natural to be affected by others pain

my experience, which doesn't compare but ....

I used to be a very competitive bike racer until a woman waited for me to get in front of her car and hit the gas. I broke pretty much everything in my right leg. I was in the Hospital for 5 days until my premo insurance company kicked me out. I had to give myself shots in the stomach for several weeks and was unable to walk for about 3 months and unable to drive for much longer. It took about a year to recover

I thought I was over it until I told my gf's parents about it last month and began shaking uncontrollably during the story - I try to tell stories well, entertaining and frankly, it is a pretty funny story.

After she hit me she refused to call 911 even though she had a phone in her hand and then at one point she leaned out the car door and no bs said;

"I'm not going to leave until you get off the road and on the side walk so no one else hits you" lol

even now just writing about it I can sense my heart rate going up

anyway, if you can and are able to give it some time, process it, don't ignore it, embrace it and understand it. I didn't let it overwhelm me when I did this though as I would be incapacitated had I really accepted how angry and scared I was because of it.

I got back on the bike for 2 years just to do it but lost my interest and could no longer go 60mph downhill on bicycle wheels.

I think everyone could use a little therapy if you can find the right therapist which is like finding a good mechanic for your head

taking a pro active approach is certainly the way to do it and for those of who have, I applaud you! as it isn't easy or cheap but what is the alternative?

I work with Autistic kids, some of the things I see are just incredible. The mind is a mystery and anyone who pretends otherwise just isn't paying attention to themselves. All to often we do nothing or think we are immune to what we see, feel, think, and act

:beer:

East/Central LA - I can only imagine

[Rexsname]

The department I used to work for had a therapist that I went to for a few years. He was key in diagnosing my problem and assisting in my healing. Now that I am no longer associated with the Sheriffs office I no longer have access to him or any other therapist. I need to go and find a job but I dont know what to do. I have both a mental health issue and a physical health issue (heart attack last year). Can I apply for unemployment benifits?

I dont mean to hijack this thread but I need help

REX

[Martyn]

I had a hard time adjusting after a traumatic injury to my right hand. Nightmares, day-mares, flash backs, lack of sleep, etc.

I was lucky enough to have a therapist who was trained in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). We have about 3 sessions and it seemed to put my memories back into the right place.

It was amazing, during the process I relived the experience as if it was happening, strange looking through your own eyes. Afterwards the PTSD symptoms diminished to a manageable degree.

I'd suggest you do some research on EMDR to see if it might work for you.

[ntsqd]

I dont mean to hijack this thread but I need help

REX
PM sent.

[Fireman78]

Happened to me about a year ago. Over the last 18 + years I've been a Fireman, Paramedic, State Policeman, and US Army Paratrooper. I'm not going into the details, but I recently moved over to Fire Dispatch, to take a break from the field, and it was the best move I ever did. (Probably saved my career.) Definatley don't ever feel bad about admitting you're human. Some of us can only solve other peoples' problems for so long before we crack.

[Rexsname]

Thom,

Your PM box is full. I wil phone you tonight.

Thanks,

REX

[Streakerfreak]

I used to be a very competitive bike racer until a woman waited for me to get in front of her car and hit the gas. I broke pretty much everything in my right leg. I was in the Hospital for 5 days until my premo insurance company kicked me out. I had to give myself shots in the stomach for several weeks and was unable to walk for about 3 months and unable to drive for much longer. It took about a year to recover

I thought I was over it until I told my gf's parents about it last month and began shaking uncontrollably during the story - I try to tell stories well, entertaining and frankly, it is a pretty funny story.

After she hit me she refused to call 911 even though she had a phone in her hand and then at one point she leaned out the car door and no bs said;

"I'm not going to leave until you get off the road and on the side walk so no one else hits you" lol



Sorry to hijack, but if you don't mind me asking, were any charges brought against her? Would that not be attempted murder, vehicular assault or something along those lines?

[kellymoe]

The department I used to work for had a therapist that I went to for a few years. He was key in diagnosing my problem and assisting in my healing. Now that I am no longer associated with the Sheriffs office I no longer have access to him or any other therapist. I need to go and find a job but I dont know what to do. I have both a mental health issue and a physical health issue (heart attack last year). Can I apply for unemployment benifits?

I dont mean to hijack this thread but I need help

REX

Rex,

Dont sit on this, you need help. This may even be worth going into a little debt to work it out. You need a sounding board. I never thought a therapist would help but once I started talking it helped a ton. For depression I started taking Cymbalta and it changed everything. I feel like my old self again. My wife said she could see a change in just a matter of days.

Thanks to everyone for letting me vent. It's amazing what just talking can do. My list of people to go out and do things with has dwindled in the past few years due to new kids and real jobs. I am hoping to meet some new folks to do things with through this site. I promise I wont be a psycho:drool:

[Sloan]

I was in a car accident last December that really did a number on my neck and totaled my Tacoma. As the neck injury revealed it's severity I began to sleep less and less and treatment was progressing slowly at best. I have never been injured in any way that took more than a few days to get back on my feet and was not a patient man by any stretch of the imagination so the lack of sleep and prolonged injury quickly began to take it's toll. About 6 weeks ago my left arm started going numb and that was when I got both feet planted firmly on the bottom in the dark. I have had two co workers kill themselves in the last 6 years and I never understood how they could have done it and one day it makes perfect sense. Your body has betrayed you, lack of sleep has helped your mind betray you, you have lost control of your finances and there is really only one thing that you do have control over. I am still facing some surgeries to repair the nerve damage in my neck but I am stronger than I have been in a long time thanks to my wife, my daughter, some very diligent co workers who called me every day, some good friends from home who helped me navigate the pitfalls of modern medicine, a very young surgeon, my dear friend and therapist and an amazing physical therapist who can get me to push every day beyond my limits. This accident has made me face and start to deal with my sister's death, stop working so much and be there for my wife and daughter and realize that you need to reach out to people because you never know when the guy next to you can't take it anymore. I think we need to be ever more aware of those around us with the economy putting more pressure on people.

[Streakerfreak]

Rex,
Thanks to everyone for letting me vent. It's amazing what just talking can do. My list of people to go out and do things with has dwindled in the past few years due to new kids and real jobs. I am hoping to meet some new folks to do things with through this site. I promise I wont be a psycho:drool:

Vet away man. I have done that too on this site. This site is different then others. People actually seem to care about each other. I myself have been helped by random people on this site. I lost all my friends about three years ago due to a misunderstanding on there part. The only person I had in my life was Jenn, but know matter how much we love each other I can't live my entire life just like that.

I can now say that through this site my life has been literally changed for the better and I am gaining friends that I enjoy talking too and going out on trips with. It may be hard to believe, but yes an Overlanding website has changed my life for the better and Jenn's too.

[blupaddler]

K - Thanks for sharing this with us. I was just up in Sacramento attending some training on the American river and we got to story talking...

As Lifeguards we are often the first on scene, but we get to pass things on to ALS. But as you know all these calls/events/images are stored somewhere in the back of our mind. We deal with the events with dark humor, sarcasim and other various methods, waiting for that one call that pushes your system into overload and everything comes rushing back at you. We are asked to deal, and cope with things any regular person could not handle on a daily basis.

Thankfully many departments and organizations are realizing now that PTSD is a serious matter, compared to years ago where you had to just sweep it under the rug or ignore such matters.





My prayers are with all of you.

[blupaddler]

On a side note... I met a wonderful lady this past weekend who has put together a great website that allows rescuers to share stories, and get things off their chest should they need to, check it out, I think you won't be disappointed.


www.rescuevoices.com

[Sloan]

I'm glad you started this thread, I was going to start a similar one after I read Connie's apology thread in the Land Rover forum. The reason I hadn't was that there always seems to be someone dealing with something worse and you feel a little foolish speaking up when you "hurt" your neck or whatever you're dealing with. The problem is depression creeps up slow and I would hate to think that there is someone suffering because they're afraid to speak up or ashamed or whatever. I have reached that level three times in my life and one never prepared for me to deal with the others. If you need help speak up, you can lose a lot of possessions and it's just stuff, the real shame would be to lose yourself.

[Streakerfreak]

I'm glad you started this thread, I was going to start a similar one after I read Connie's apology thread in the Land Rover forum. The reason I hadn't was that there always seems to be someone dealing with something worse and you feel a little foolish speaking up when you "hurt" your neck or whatever you're dealing with. The problem is depression creeps up slow and I would hate to think that there is someone suffering because they're afraid to speak up or ashamed or whatever. I have reached that level three times in my life and one never prepared for me to deal with the others. If you need help speak up, you can lose a lot of possessions and it's just stuff, the real shame would be to lose yourself.

It was Teriann not Connie who started the apology thread.

That out of the way, that is great advice that can help a lot of people.

[Sloan]

DOH! My apologies, you go to quote a great read and get the author wrong.

[kellymoe]

The past few months at work have also been hard. A co worker was killed in an explosion down by LAX last about 6 weeks ago. Normally I would attend funerals for co workers. In 1998 I lost 2 good friends and almost my father when one of our fire dept. helicopter that lost the tail rotor and crashed in Griffith Park. I remember getting off shift that morning and turning the news on. The breaking news was a helicopter crash. Then I realised it was one of ours. Then I realised my dad was working today. He worked air ops. at the time and two helicopters were dispatched to a traffic accident. My dad hopped on the one that didnt crash but I didnt know it for at least an hour. I watched as they pulled 3 bodies out of the helicopter. I lost 3 good friends that day. That was the last funeral that I have gone to. The funeral last month was just a little to soon for me to handle it. I am getting better though.

[Z O O R O P A]

Sorry to hijack, but if you don't mind me asking, were any charges brought against her? Would that not be attempted murder, vehicular assault or something along those lines?

I think this thread demonstrates what a great place Expo is

To answer your question, she received 2 traffic tickets which she pleaded guilty to because I was showing up to the traffic court hearing. Every hearing her lawyer had it continued until the judge finally said no more and she needed to plea one way or the other and if it was going to innocent ten she had to appear which she had no interest in seeing me so she plead guilty

one of my former cycling partners and a great guy was the City Attorney General who came to my room in the Hospital with an Irish Ale and gave me the lawyer he would use had it been him so I got a good settlement

[Rexsname]

I received a letter from my wife today. In it she encouraged me to see about seeing a doctor for a physical and for me to ask about some mental health counseling/help. We have a long road in front of us and our lives will be very different when this situation is done. I have had a very weepy day and will likely have very many more tears tonight and on and on. Those of you who have been praying for me, Thank You


REX

[Streakerfreak]

I received a letter from my wife today. In it she encouraged me to see about seeing a doctor for a physical and for me to ask about some mental health counseling/help. We have a long road in front of us and our lives will be very different when this situation is done. I have had a very weepy day and will likely have very many more tears tonight and on and on. Those of you who have been praying for me, Thank You


REX

Good luck man and try to keep your head above water:REExeSwimmingHL:

If you need to vent to anyone go right ahead. We will listen with our ears open.

[Mc Taco]

Kelleymoe, thank you for your service to our community. I am so glad to hear that you asked for and are getting help with things. If you had a broken leg you would seek medical help. There is no difference. Get better and I hope to meet you on the trail or a meet and greet soon.

Rex, please seek out someone to help you out. Are you still doing the Faires this summer? I'm hoping to get out to meet up sometime soon.

[TACODOC]

As Lifeguards we are often the first on scene, but we get to pass things on to ALS. But as you know all these calls/events/images are stored somewhere in the back of our mind. We deal with the events with dark humor, sarcasim and other various methods, waiting for that one call that pushes your system into overload and everything comes rushing back at you. We are asked to deal, and cope with things any regular person could not handle on a daily basis.

Robb, this fits me and my guys to the T.

This affects LOTS of people I know and I myself am probably borderline... I tend to be pretty tight lipped about it and just "John Wayne" may way through things. Go figure.

Facing the prospect of a third tour in Iraq or Afghanistan next year has me wound tight, and I have not been myself lately for sure as some of my friends here may have noted... :smilies27

[Dances with trees]

Well allow me to throw in my 0.02 worth.
I am a trained Post Traumatic Incident Stress debriefer, I was trained years ago while working at the local electrical utility when we has three deaths in one year, i got volentold I was taking the course. i am so glad i did too.
You are on the correct track, the best way to make your life better is to talk about how you feel, it takes the power away from the residual stress.
The more you talk about how it affects you the less effect it has, the human mind is a wonderful and nasty thing.
Having said that i am currently suffering from Clinical Depression, and have been off work for just a little over a year on disability.
My problem is I can't go back to my old job, can't even go in the building I tried and crashed violently, good thing we can't have guns up here in Canada, i might have splattered my brains all over the wall. That was just a week ago. I am going to have to find something new to do, tough at 50.
Last year I crashed bad when bullied on line, I know that trigger now so it has no or little effect.

I have recently applied what I learned in the PTSI training to depression, and guess what, it works fairly well.
So keep talking, the more you do helps you and might even help others who haven't started to heal.
Best of luck, and if you need someone to talk to just drop me a line, i listen really well.

[Martyn]

I don't know if this is going to be helpful or not, but this is what I leant during my experience.

When we have a traumatic or life threatening event occur to us our brains go into the fight or flight mode. When this occurs the events do not get processed by our brains in a regular manner, and are stored without being analyzed.

The flash backs and nightmares are a result of the memories resurfacing because our brains are trying to make sense of them.

The EMDR therapy allows the events to be revisited in a safe setting and the memories processes in a "normal" way and catalogued by the brain.

For me the beneficial results were immediate.

I think the depression was caused by me constantly doubting myself, and not understanding the new fears and flash backs.

It's a very hard thing to deal with by yourself, or even with loving family and friends. Find a good therapist you like and trust.

[ExpoMike]

I just want to add my best wishes and prayers to everyone. It is really hard to let out feelings in a public forum and you all should be commended for being able to do so.

Myself had what I call my "awakining" and I turned my life around 180* from a very negative, distructive, angry life to a very open, loving, positive, happy life and I can never let myself fall back into my old ways. To share a few things I have learned, which have helped me greatly is,

Peace and love must come from within. If you cannot love yourself for who you are or find inner peace, you will not get this from any outside source. Other people and possessions only mask feelings and will fade quickly. Reflect on who you want to be and work everyday on becoming that person.

There are many things you cannot control in your life. What you can control is how you react to any given situation. If you react with a positive attitude, even if the situation does not turn out positive, you will overcome and move beyond it much easier then if filled with negativity.

Focus on positive things and positive things will be attraced to you. I would have never believed this until I lived it and it truly is amazing when you step back and see it work.

I hope everyone can find their inner peace, happiness and love and sometimes they will come when you are least expecting it. How about a group hug? :D

[Rexsname]

A hug of any sort would be fantastic!

REX

[ExpoMike]

A hug of any sort would be fantastic!

REX

Hugs to ya and hang in there. :friday:

[awalter]

This thread is reality at is best/worst, I've shed more than a few tears reading thru it.

My hat is off to the guys & gals that do their jobs & endure the grief & stress that comes with it. Please don't shut yourselves off from letting it go or seeking help.I wish my tears could relieve some of the grief & stress you put up with.

Thank you all (military, EMT's, first responders, SAR's, Fire, police, etc) for your sacrifce & Godspeed.

[Scenic WonderRunner]

(I don't have a lot of time to type...I'm in a Library)


I feel really bad for those of you within this thread having problems.

There is help but you will need a doc.

Look up depression..........and study up on Serotonin.

http://www.medicinenet.com/depression/page6.htm

http://www.medicinenet.com/depression/article.htm

http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=5468



http://www.paxilcr.com/how_paxilcr_works/how_paxilcr_works.html


.

[Rexsname]

SWR,

Thank you for your time and concern, When I was origianally (sp) diagnosed with PTSD the doctor prescribed an series of different meds. I think I remember something about selective seratonin uptake inhibitors. I got started on pill 1 that seemed to have some effect but came with side effect A. Then He tried pill 2 that came with side effect B. Then pill 3 which took care of side effects A and B, but started side effect C. After a while I ran out of insurance coverage and despite dire warnings about quitting "cold turkey" I ran out of pills and money at about the same time. By this time I was "out" of the Sheriffs Office and the Jail assignment. My wife pulled me up out of this horrible time and helped me find happiness again.

Fast forward to present day.............. My wife is now in custody at the same Jail that I was assigned to and I went to visit with her last week.
I had the same headache, nausea and some very intense flashbacks on the drive over to see her. I have not slept well in about three weeks and am scared to death of using sleep aids more than once or twice a week.

I went to the county health department today to get an appointment to see a doctor and hopefully get a referral to speak with a mental health professional sometime soon. I never felt like myself when I was on the psych meds, I felt like my "cure" was getting away from the stressor (Jail) and being with my wife. Now, I find myself in the position of having to go back to the stressor to visit with my cure.

I hope that the mental health professional is not a person that wants only to throw pills at the problem, I really hated the way they made me feel.

Thanks again for your concern, I re-read that line and it sounds so trite and cliche but I reall do thank you.

REX

[ntsqd]

Rex,
Keep my numbers handy and use them if you need to talk. I don't care what time of day or night. If Del saw this I'd venture he'd say the same thing. Call collect if you need to, I can stand it.
BTW, that lump on my hand from the richocet is almost gone!

Kellymoe,
Thank you for starting this topic. It is my hope that your act of bravery keeps helping people.

Scott et.al.,
Thank you for creating a forum where this sort of topic is not just OK, but welcome and therapeutic.

To anyone who is reading this thread and thinking that they're seeing bits of themselves in the posts, say something. Please.
For me, any thing that is difficult to do gets easier the more I do it.

[Tucson T4R]

I have battled genetically induced depression since my late 30s. I have tried just about every med on the market with mixed results. Most of the SSRIs helped with the depression but had undesirable sexual side effects for me that were depressing in themselves. :elkgrin:

Currently I am not taking any medication and actually am feeling better emotionally than I have for years.

A major help for me was finding a good therapist or "life coach". She was very good at helping me to understand my triggers and developing ways to manage down the impact to me personally. A very interesting tool to better understand yourself and how to keep your boat afloat is the Enneagram personality test. http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/ By taking this test and reviewing the results with an Enneagram certified therapist, you will gain amazing insight into who you are and how you relate to the world around you.

Another key to my improvement has been to get good sleep and daily exercise. Without both good sleep and exercise, the door opens wide for the depression to creep back in.

Just as your mind looks for an outside cause of panic (fight or flight), it's easy for your mind to look for outside sources to blame your depression on. This can lead to you blaming your depression on your job, spouse, dog, whatever. That can just amplify the problem by damaging the important relationships around you that are your true support system.

Bottom line, reach out to your friends and family find a good therapist to help you understand your personal situation and teach you the coping tools to minimize your depression.

You are not alone and many of us have this challenge in our lives we need to manage. Don't try to be tough, reach out for help. You'll be amazing at how much it can help.

[BigAl]

I told my doctor at my last visit that I thought my job was bad for me b/c I sit at a desk all day and get no activity. My weight is up, blood pressure up. What he told came clear out of left field and totally threw me. Something I never even considered for some reason. He said "find a new job". I haven't done it yet, but I have made some other lifestyle changes. I bet fire/emt is a lifestryle as well as a job, so it would be hard to give up, but maybe you should start looking.

[kellymoe]

I told my doctor at my last visit that I thought my job was bad for me b/c I sit at a desk all day and get no activity. My weight is up, blood pressure up. What he told came clear out of left field and totally threw me. Something I never even considered for some reason. He said "find a new job". I haven't done it yet, but I have made some other lifestyle changes. I bet fire/emt is a lifestryle as well as a job, so it would be hard to give up, but maybe you should start looking.

I made a decision a few years ago to stop riding the paramedic rescue. That decision was made before all the crap started happening. I now ride the truck and respond mostly to fires and accidents but we still get our fair share of medical calls. I dont think I could give up being a fireman. I look forward to going to work everyday and everyday brings new challenges. Roof operations can be very stress inducing but its a good stress. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJPt_1VAUVg
This is a Youtube compilation of LAFD roof operations. It's why I work for the LAFD, no other department in the country is as aggressive on the roof. That is the kind of stress I can handle. It's the medical calls involving kids that I think really broke me. Those are the calls I still dream about and have flashbacks about 15 years later or more.

[UK4X4]

Sad to hear your stories, it seems depression and its ilk affects a lot of us.

My father suffered from it for years, treatment then was still electroshock therapy....needless to say it did'nt work and he's still the same.

I've personnally struggled hard to not follow in his footsteps, running away from issues rather than dealing with them...hence my travelling....
and a pretty large drinking problem that I'm trying to fight

I hope you all get the help you need and in a timely fashion, its no fun for either you or your loved ones..

Please note sometimes these things are brought on by unseen issues.....

A few years back I started to get angry and short tempered, my girlfriend at the time was highly observant and noted three issues.

1 I don't sleep well during the week of full moon.....not exactly something I could change..

2 drinking even 1 beer made me irratable, where wine and rum did not...

3 Florescent lights and computer screens make me grumpy too....something to do with the non visable flickering at two diferent frequencies.

She noted that my days fiddling in the workshop I was fine, the days doing CAD work I was bad, we looked up possible issues on the net

I changed to a halogen work lamp and disconnected the flourescents in my office and swapped to an LCD screen...........and my laid back character returned.

[jh504]

She noted that my days fiddling in the workshop I was fine, the days doing CAD work I was bad, we looked up possible issues on the net

I changed to a halogen work lamp and disconnected the flourescents in my office and swapped to an LCD screen...........and my laid back character returned.

This is not really related to my PTSD issue, but before bcoming an EMT, I worked as a draftsman with AutoCAD, and the days I spent behind the computer I always ended up with a migraine and in a horrible mood.

[Rexsname]

I went to see the Doctor today, he was not able to give me a referral to a mental health professional but did give me the number to the local 'Guidence Clinic'. He thought that if I were lucky they might be able to see me in two or three months (!). He gave me a Rx for generic Ambien to help with the sleep issue and made an appointment for a physical in June. His primary concern seemed to be that of suicide and, while I have had thoughts, I assured him that I could never to something that selfish to Carrie, my wife.

I was also able to speak to Carrie today on the phone and that imporved my mood quite a bit. I'll also drive over to see her tomorrow for a visit.

A number of things are going on on the legal front that are providing me with even more stress. I dont know how much more I can take without cracking.

Thanks everyone for your continued thoughts and prayers,

REX

[vengeful]

Warning: Novella ensues.

I've been following this thread closely. While I can't relate to most of your experiences, I, too, have felt the cruel slap of PTSD/Depression. It's not a subject that should be taken lightly at all. Before I relate my own story, I would like to touch on some of the posts already here in the thread...

Scott & ExPo Crew: Thank you all, so much, for creating this forum. I feel that we, as a whole, have grown to much more than a gathering of posters sharing a common interest, as practically all web-forums are. We've, partly because of this thread, partly because of TerriAnn's Apology thread, and many others along the way, become more of a close-knit community of friends (if not--dare I say it--a family), who just happen to all share a common interest. Thank you all, again, for creating a forum where discussions such as this can take place, in a peaceful, respectful, and mind-opening way. A Forum where people can come with their personal problems, and not feel ashamed to admit that they need help. A place where members can tell it like it is, without being brash or crude. ExPo has become a permanent fixture in my browser, and I, for one, am happy to see it expanding as well as it is. Keep up the good work, guys!

Rex: I can't claim to know what you're going through right now, because I don't. I can't claim to know how you're feeling, because I don't. What I do know (at least from what I've read of your posts here on ExPo) is that you are a strong-willed, ambitious and creative person, and it's going to take a lot more than a few set-backs to break you. Being the strong person that you are, I'm glad to see you being pro-active and seeking professional help for your issues. They're not something to be taken lightly, or brushed-off to the back burner, or "John Wayne'd" away. Please continue to seek guidance through these dark times. You'll come away from this chapter in your book with a new outlook. Keep your head up, bud, things always work out the way they're supposed to!

Brad (Tucson T4R): Genetically induced Depression is a major fear of mine. My Mother, her two siblings, and both of her parents have suffered from this for as long as I can remember. I haven't gotten to the point in my life where it has taken a strong-hold on me yet, but I feel that it's coming. I've battled depression before, but it was always event triggered. Thanks for your suggestions regarding the Enneagram test. I've taken one in the past, and it helped one of my counselors understand me, and helped me understand myself. It's a great tool to have! Keep doing what you're doing.

kellymoe: First of all, thank you for what you do. If it weren't for the courage of people like you, the world would be a very frightening place to live (as if it's not already...). The loss of someone close to you is never an easy thing to deal with. A quote that I think you'll find helpful:

"People today are too focused on making a damn dollar, when they should be more focused on making a damn difference!" - Fr. Abbot Aidan Shea, OSB, St. Anselm's Abbey, Washington, D.C. - This was delivered as part of my High School graduation ceremony from St. Anselm's Abbey School. Attending an Abbey school really shaped me, and this quote in particular has stuck with me forever.

You and your FF brethren are on the right side of that quote. You guys make a difference every day. Thank you. I know it can be hard if not completely impossible to deal with the after-effects, I've been there myself (I'll touch on that soon). You guys help so many people, and we are all forever indebted to you and your brethren--though we hope we never have to need your help.

To everyone else that I haven't addressed individually: Don't take this as an affront to what you're dealing with, I don't mean it as such. Everyone's issues, no matter how minor they may seem in the grand scheme, can be incapacitating, and utterly catastrophic to your day-to-day life, relationships, and personality. Take this thread to heart, I know I have. If you're not feeling like yourself, maybe it's time to make a change. If you feel like your job is no good for you, take BigAl's doctors advice, get a new one. It's never too late to make a change for the better!! If you haven't read it, I highly recommend reading The Freedom Writers Diary. It's a great example of the difference that one motivated person can make! Don't sit idly by while the world goes by and leaves you in its dust. This will only make things worse. You need to be pro-active. The first step to recovery is self-awareness. Only you know what you're really feeling/thinking/going through. Take the time to analyze it, meditate on it, reflect on it, whatever, but don't just let it go.

--------------------------------

Now that I've bored you all with my responses to the thread so far, I'm going to add my own chapter...this part could also be rather lengthy, so bear with me...

I'd also like to offer this disclaimer. The following portion of this post may contain graphic material and does contain extremely emotional material. Please use your own best discretion in reading.

--------------------------------

I used to volunteer with an EMS/ALS (Paramedic Ambulance) squad when I lived in Virginia. We got called to the worst of the worst. 9/11 at the Pentagon, Car accidents, gun-shots, stabbings, etc. I was a very gung-ho person at the time, and thought that nothing could shake me. Boy, was I wrong! My second to last day on the squad, we were called to an LvA (locomotive vs. automobile) incident. I had been called to one before, and it was bad, but I wasn't prepared for what was coming. I had expected, as anyone being called to an LvA would, complete and utter devastation. I had prepared myself mentally for that. What I found on scene was earth-shattering. Not only was there not complete devastation, the car was still mostly intact. The train had only come in contact with the driver's side rear of the car. There were 5 occupants in the vehicle, 3 adults, and two children. The cases involving children were always extremely hard, but this one simply broke me. Mom and Dad were riding up front. Grandma and the kids were in back. Dad was driving, and Grandma was sitting directly behind him. When we got to the car, 4 of the 5 occupants were DoA. The 5th, a 5-year-old girl named Michaela, had managed to crawl into the front seat. She had curled up with her already dead mother. She had suffered severe head and internal bodily injuries, and was bleeding profusely from numerous lacerations. I asked her name, she said “Michaela.” I asked how old she was, she said “Five.” I told her everything was going to be OK. She looked me right in the eye, and said “It hurts.” Then...just like that, she was gone.

For the first time since joining the squad, I didn't sleep that night. Every time I tried to close my eyes, all I saw was her blank stare.

The next day, I couldn't even get into the bus. I stood there, next to the ambulance, shaking. Much like I am now...My shift supervisor noticed the abnormal behavior right away and pulled me aside. I broke down. I went through 2 solid days of PTSD debriefing, therapy, the whole nine. I had prided myself on being able to deal with anything. Now, I couldn't even drive across a railroad crossing without breaking into tears. That was my last call.

When I moved to NY, things got better for me. I rediscovered Poetry. I found release in music. I rediscovered my faith. I started doing meditative relaxation. Things were looking up for me. I'm in a place now, where I have a great support network around me. Great friends, great family. I'm grateful every day for them. If it weren't for my friends and family...well, I hate to even think about it. I know that finding release in music, poetry and meditation has helped me redevelop my relationships with my friends and family after that day though.

Some days are better than others, but every time I close my eyes, I still see her face. She is engraved in my mind and heart forever.

-------------------------------------

Basically, anyone in a position like that, Fire Rescue EMS/Police/Military, etc, needs to have a strong support network, a good release mechanism, and an ability to thoroughly process the days events, otherwise they can haunt you forever in the form of nightmares, daymares, flashbacks—all of the symptoms of PTSD discussed earlier in the thread.

[UK4X4]

Well that got me in tears.........

[Streakerfreak]

--------------------------------

I used to volunteer with an EMS/ALS (Paramedic Ambulance) squad when I lived in Virginia. We got called to the worst of the worst. 9/11 at the Pentagon, Car accidents, gun-shots, stabbings, etc. I was a very gung-ho person at the time, and thought that nothing could shake me. Boy, was I wrong! My second to last day on the squad, we were called to an LvA (locomotive vs. automobile) incident. I had been called to one before, and it was bad, but I wasn't prepared for what was coming. I had expected, as anyone being called to an LvA would, complete and utter devastation. I had prepared myself mentally for that. What I found on scene was earth-shattering. Not only was there not complete devastation, the car was still mostly intact. The train had only come in contact with the driver's side rear of the car. There were 5 occupants in the vehicle, 3 adults, and two children. The cases involving children were always extremely hard, but this one simply broke me. Mom and Dad were riding up front. Grandma and the kids were in back. Dad was driving, and Grandma was sitting directly behind him. When we got to the car, 4 of the 5 occupants were DoA. The 5th, a 5-year-old girl named Michaela, had managed to crawl into the front seat. She had curled up with her already dead mother. She had suffered severe head and internal bodily injuries, and was bleeding profusely from numerous lacerations. I asked her name, she said “Michaela.” I asked how old she was, she said “Five.” I told her everything was going to be OK. She looked me right in the eye, and said “It hurts.” Then...just like that, she was gone.

For the first time since joining the squad, I didn't sleep that night. Every time I tried to close my eyes, all I saw was her blank stare.

The next day, I couldn't even get into the bus. I stood there, next to the ambulance, shaking. Much like I am now...My shift supervisor noticed the abnormal behavior right away and pulled me aside. I broke down. I went through 2 solid days of PTSD debriefing, therapy, the whole nine. I had prided myself on being able to deal with anything. Now, I couldn't even drive across a railroad crossing without breaking into tears. That was my last call.

When I moved to NY, things got better for me. I rediscovered Poetry. I found release in music. I rediscovered my faith. I started doing meditative relaxation. Things were looking up for me. I'm in a place now, where I have a great support network around me. Great friends, great family. I'm grateful every day for them. If it weren't for my friends and family...well, I hate to even think about it. I know that finding release in music, poetry and meditation has helped me redevelop my relationships with my friends and family after that day though.

Some days are better than others, but every time I close my eyes, I still see her face. She is engraved in my mind and heart forever.

-------------------------------------

Basically, anyone in a position like that, Fire Rescue EMS/Police/Military, etc, needs to have a strong support network, a good release mechanism, and an ability to thoroughly process the days events, otherwise they can haunt you forever in the form of nightmares, daymares, flashbacks—all of the symptoms of PTSD discussed earlier in the thread.

I don't even know what to say.... That is really powerful and heart wrenching. I don't think I could have handled that.

[ntsqd]

As of last night Rex has lost net access. He may or may not be able to get it fixed today. There is not much local support for him. I would ask that anyone with contact numbers to give him a call.

[Rexsname]

Thursday was quite a rough day......the stress of going to the jail that I used to work at to see Carrie, the joy of seeing her smiling face and hearing how much she loves me. The arriveing home to find people there to take possesion of our 5th Wheel and Dodge 3500, keys and titles. I knew that was comng but it still hit me like a ton of bricks.

Then the intraweb wouldn't work, when your support system is in cyber-web-land its tough when you cant get there :rolleyes: . A phone call to one of our own helped tremendously (thanks Thom!)

On friday I had an appointment to have the rear differential looked at. It had developed a small seeping leak and the mechanic said "I installed it, It leaks, I'll fix it....No charge" When he got it all apart he pointed out the source of the leak and it was NOT his fault but mine, I dragged the diff over some rocks and 'chingered' the bottom enough for it to leak. $50.00 please. A fair price but I can scarcely afford the extra expence.

While I was at the shop, Carrie phoned. She is allowed out of her cell one hour every other day for a shower and phone calls. Because I was not at home I missed her call. I was disappointed to say the least and I'm sure she was upset as well.

After that I went to try to open a bank account.............After missing her call my confidence was shot! I was treated as if I had a horrible disease. I explained that I have a mental illness and that my wife who usually takes care of me was incarcerated, could they please help me? I felt like they couldn't shoo me out of thier bank fast enough! Begone! foul begger! Away with you! I finally went back to the credit union that we have allways had out accounts with. I explained as best as I could my problems and fears and they sat me down handed me a box of tissue and got to work! 30 minutes later I was on my way feeling quite a bit better about myself and the situation as a whole.

Then I went to find out why the broadband card stopped working, We have been having problems with our service provider for months and they said it was shut off for non payment. The guy that I paid got on the phone with the main office and helped out. After a while they "found" a over-payment and credited me and got it turned back on. A productive, If exhausting, day. Last night I was so tired that I finnaly got a good nights sleep! What a blessing sleep is! I went to bed at 2140hrs and got out of bed at 0830 felling like a new man. The black thoughts I have been struggling with were replaced with the hymn "Great is thy Faithfulness" runing thru my head. I met with a pastor this afternoon and had a good talk. I have never been afraid to ask for help, I just didn't know who to ask. Thank you all for letting me ask you!!!:wavey:

REX

[ExpoMike]

Hi Rex,

Glad to hear today is a much better day then the last couple. Hang in there, keep plugging away and don't ever give up. Outside of what you have posted here, I don't know much more about your situation but it does sound like a rough time right now. Praying for the very best to you and your wife.

Stay positive, keep asking for help when you need it and remember that the worst of times can bring out the best in people. :wavey:

[TACODOC]

Hang in there Rex, we're in your corner! :punk03:

[Sloan]

Nice work man, keep the goals small and manageable and don't let things get too big. Also cut yourself some slack if things don't work out or they take longer than planned. Nice work on explaining your situation and asking for help, most people are pretty compassionate. Keep up the good work!

[Rexsname]

I am trying to 'keep my head up'. I took the dog to the dog park this morning and did some laps. He allways gets alot of attention and drags me into his new friendships. I usually dont mind but I was not ready to flirt back with the women he was trying to pick up.:hehe:

The sleep aids are working well, but I'm still very apprehensive about taking them. I tried for about 90 minutes to fall asleep with no luck before I took a half a pill. Still Soooooo tired in the afternoon that I feel like I have to take a nap. I dont know how much of that is the depression and how much is just exhaustion (purely physical)

I went to church with a friend yesterday and while I did feel encouraged while I was there, I felt very alone after. Perhaps someone with more spiritual maturity can chime in here with some thoughts on the matter.

I've even tried to offer my thoughts and comments in some of the topics here on ExPo........If nothing else, it gets my mind off of me and thinking about something else.

No real purpose to todays rambelings, just needed someone to talk to:peepwall:

REX

[Fergie]

I am trying to 'keep my head up'. I took the dog to the dog park this morning and did some laps. He allways gets alot of attention and drags me into his new friendships. I usually dont mind but I was not ready to flirt back with the women he was trying to pick up.:hehe:

The sleep aids are working well, but I'm still very apprehensive about taking them. I tried for about 90 minutes to fall asleep with no luck before I took a half a pill. Still Soooooo tired in the afternoon that I feel like I have to take a nap. I dont know how much of that is the depression and how much is just exhaustion (purely physical)

I went to church with a friend yesterday and while I did feel encouraged while I was there, I felt very alone after. Perhaps someone with more spiritual maturity can chime in here with some thoughts on the matter.

I've even tried to offer my thoughts and comments in some of the topics here on ExPo........If nothing else, it gets my mind off of me and thinking about something else.

No real purpose to todays rambelings, just needed someone to talk to:peepwall:

REX

We're listening dude, we're listening.

Gavin

[Sloan]

Have you tried something like melatonin for sleeping? I have found for me that falling asleep is a matter of slowing my breathing and practicing a quiet mind. Most people would call it meditation, whatever, the trick that works for me is not trying to have any thoughts at all but when your mind does try to kick in I just say to myself "thinking" and then go back to quiet. I stole the thinking technique from an author/Buddhist monk named Pema Chodrin. Her theory of meditation is not to be rough on yourself when you fail at the quiet mind but to acknowledge the thought and start again. I don't know what your religious leanings are but I have a lot of useful information from a lot of different sources, you might like to check out some of her books. We're here man, you just have to find that little of strength every day and we'll be sending you some good thoughts. :D

[maxingout]

Although I am an eye surgeon by training, I have had to deal with patients and family members beaten down by depression. It is one of the most challenging problems that too many people have to face.

One of the problems with most therapies is that they point you in the right direction, but they don't give you the power to make the trip. Insight is not enough for most people suffering from depression and post traumatic stress disorder.

A few years ago I decided to create a Positive Web Ring that would help people who struggle with the dark thoughts and the twisted thinking and distorted emotions associated with depression. I am not a therapist by any stretch of the imagination, but I do believe that if you want to be free from depression, nobody can stop you.

I created several web sites to help people give their mind a push in a positive direction. The wheel of change always turns in the direction of what you put into your mind, and when you fill your mind with positive things, the direction of your life changes.

You might want to check out a couple of my web sites. They won't cure depression, but most people tell me that they help push your mind in a positive direction. I don't make any money on these sites, and I have nothing to sell. I also don't treat people for depression. Obviously, no web site will ever cure depression. I always recommend that people with depression talk to a qualified professional.

If you care to put a few positive thoughts into your mind, you can check out the following web sites:

http://PositiveSelfTalk.com
http://PositiveThinkingRadio.com

Most important of all, talk to a qualified professional who can assist you with your depressing thoughts. Self treatment is dangerous and may not work.

[KG6BWS]

i happened to stumble on this thread and damn near broke down reading it. while i dont deal with the things some of you do, i know what the depression is like. i was kicked out of the navy, diagnosed as having manic depression. a few years later it changed to my doctor saying its just a chemical imbalance in my brain, no big deal, so he says. a few pills will fix that. now, its changed again, now its clinical depression. how do you deal with it?? not a day goes by where im not down. over the last few months my depression has only been getting worse. i guess brought on by my gf leaving, miscarrying my baby, and then my grandfather dying. lately though, a bullet has been sounding like a real good thing. my parents are helping me pay for a therapist, my insurance wont cover it. sorry for the hijack. people like to say that "youre not alone, lots of other people have the same problem you do", but those same people dont really know what its like. i guess its just heartening to see what other people, who do deal with it and who doknow what its like, have to say. and how they are coping with it. its just tuff to work towards healing when you cant do anything but think. it seems like nothing i used to love doing ever helps, i end up sinking right back into my thoughts. it sucks.

sorry again for the hijack. probably all sounds like bs...hell it does to me to. i just dont know what to do anymore.

just took a closer look at the last post. think ill check out the site. hell, at this point, it sure couldnt hurt.

[vengeful]

Probably?? I'd say it he everything to do with what has happened! Ending a relationship is hard enough, but you've gone through some very hard times and I, for one, can definitely understand why you're feeling what you are. I realize that typed words offer little solace, but please don't succumb to the "easy way out!!" I know that its easy to talk about that, but you don't want to be remembered that way.

Even though you feel that your situation isn't as bad as some, its be enough that you posted about it. Follow the advice in the thread and please talk to someone. We are here if you need us.

[KG6BWS]

the thing is ive been like this all my life. they call it clinical, or major depending on who you talk to, depression. the thing is, like i said, people like to tell you how you SHOULD feel. you read the books, and the articles, and talk to people, and its all 2nd or 3rd hand. it sounds kind of goofy, but it kind of does help to read this thread and to know of other people who have dealt with similar kinds of things. people who arent a "friend of friend of my third couins ninth uncle" or someone that some doctor wrote about in his book. ive actually met a couple of the people in this thread. helps to take some of the anonymity out of it. hell it just helps to be able to type this out. most people, including some of my so called "friends", dont want to sit down with a beer and let me vent, let alone would read enough to type out a response. the hardest part right now is the ups and downs. because the downs go REALLY low, and i never know whats going to set it off. thats actually why my dads got all of my guns right now. i gave them to him because im afraid ill do something stupid. hehe, Epedition Portal - vehicle dependent therapy group. :rolleyes:

[ntsqd]

snip.....
hehe, Expedition Portal - vehicle dependent therapy group. :rolleyes:
:)
To me, vehicles are therapy though some days the only therapy that worked was to take a BFH to an innocent piece of lumber. Those days are now rare, but it comes at the price of age.

I haven't walked your trail, I've no clue what to suggest. All I can do is say I'm listening.

[Rexsname]

I too am listening........I know how intensely that sort of pain hurts. Its not just 'feeling down' its a very real painful pain. Good cal on storing your firearms elsewhere. I brought both of my duty weapons to my in-laws house so I wouldn't be tempted. I'm so sorry you are hurting, I wouldn't wish this on anyone

REX

[Rexsname]

Oh yeah.....you mentioned drinking, alcohol ,I would guess. I have made it a new rule. I can have a beer if I want but I have to drink 2x that amount in water before I get to have another one. In other words, a 12oz bottle of cool and refreshing goodness MUST be followed by at least 24oz of clean fresh water.

I'm down but I'm not out yet!

REX

[Scott Brady]

Rex,

If the ExPo community wanted to send you a little help, how could we do that?

Do you have a PayPal address or mailing address if we wanted to help?

[Rexsname]

Scott,

Thank you both for this forum and for caring! I didn't know if I was a 'good enough' friend for you to write to, but thank you.
My mailing address is in a PM to you



I have a paypal MasterCard but I have no Idea how much is in that account or how to find out. Carrie allways handles all of the finances so I'm at a loss. Do you know of any sort of financial gaurdienship service that could take me by the hand and at least get me started? I know it sounds like I'm a 5 year old but I really could use some help on this area.

Feel free to PM my address to those that can/want to help. I dont know if it should be 'out there' on the web tho.... Thank you SOOO much for your caring and your labor of love, this forum.

REX

[Scott Brady]

I have talked with Rex, and we have agreed to post his address. I am sure we all have come on hard times. Maybe a little ExPo love will help Rex through this one:

For those that would like to send a little help-

Rex Thompson
P.O.Box 27091
Prescott Valley
AZ 86312

[Rexsname]

I am just about overwhelmed............Thank you one and all for the time and caring you have shown, not only to me, but to the others who are hurting. I just read a tread on the AZTTORA forum about a guy that was killed recently while out in his formula Toy. No seatbelt and several rolls/ejection. I didn't know him or even ever wheel with him but it broke my mood/spirit and put me back to the sobbing/fetal position mess I was last week.

A good friend allowed me to help out yesterday at work. He owns a tile business and needed a hand with a granite counter-top. While it was good to not be at home and bored, It sure drove home the fact that I'm not strong enough to work at that occupation. I guess to-morrow I'll try to go out and find work of some sort. Those of you sufering with depression can empathize with how paralizing it can be when you have to do something scarey.

Scott, you wanna coffee?

REX

[Rexsname]

Not a good evening for me.........for what ever reason, I chose to watch the movie "A Beautiful Mind" with Russel Crow. Basicly a film about mental illness and how if affects the family and friends of the person with the illness. There is a scene in the film where Dr. Nash is holding his crying son seemingly unable to do anything to comfort the baby. I feel like that tonight. Unable to do anything to help myself feel better. I am tired. I am sad. I miss my wife terribly. I am scared. I dont want to hurt myself, niether am I seeing things that aren't there. (Did you ever notice how difficult to type when your eyes are full of tears) I have an appointment to talk with the Guidence Clinic on Tuesday and sincerly hope I can hold things together until then.
The good news is, Carries lawyer will visit with her tomorrow and I will get to see her as well. When I am with her all I can think of to do is smile and tell her how much I love her. Not very useful I know, but it feels desperately important at the time.
I also need to go out and find a job. However, my confidence is totaly shot. I think that the only thing I have going for me is the very clear understanding of my role as an employee. That is to put more money in the employers pocket than I take out.

After re-reading this post I see that it makes no sence........as I said, I am tired.

REX

[nwoods]

Rex, you've mentioned that this forum (and internet in general) and in particular, being able to talk to your wife are extremely theaputic for you. With Scott's help, we are sending you the ability to maintain both of these avenues. It's not much, but you are not alone. Hang in there.

[ntsqd]

Thought I'd bring this back to the top, keep people aware and ask how folks are doing. Those that have posted about having troubles, are you coping? Can we do something to help?
Rex & I worked together years ago. We have a mutual friend who can't be there as much as he'd like, but he's also doing what he can to help. I'm concerned that others may not have much support.

[Rexsname]

I haven't posted anything on this thread in a few days because I hadn't anything encouraging to share............or did I? On Friday I was able to get together with Scott Brady and his beautiful wife Stephanie. We met at a local 'watering hole' and enjoyed some great conversation and an iced tea.

This forum is fantastic and the support that I have received is awsome but it's not the same as being in the same room with living breathing smiling supportive people. We talked about everything from getting a job, church attendence, tire sizes, movies, tears, magazines, on-line forums (both this one and the bad ones) and spent a couple of hours just being friends. After a short while, Chris (bajataco) showed up and joined in. Scott and Stephanie had a date night planned so after our good byes,(and a very welcome and totally unexpected $ gesture), Chris and I had dinner and a stroll around the Courthouse Square.

So much of the time I feel like I am so inarticulate, both in writing and verbally. I just wanted to offer up my public thanks for the folks that own-run-lead this forum. I'm not trying to make this into a 'hero worship' kind of thing, just attempting to let people who haven't met them know, that the quality you see on this forum and also in the pages of Overland Journal is a direct result of quality people.

On the PTSD front......I have some OK days and some horribly black days (evenings mostly). I have an appointment at The Guidence Clinic (county mental health dept) to-morrow morning and I hope that goes well. Our daughter (stray, employee, great family friend) said she noticed that I have gone noticably downhill. While that is NOT good news, I do find myself finally being able to get somethings done. I went out looking for a job last week and will continue this week as well. Those of you that have suffered (are suffering) with depression know about the felling of paralysis; The feeling that you just CANT get up and get even the simpilist thing done. That feeling is still there but I am beginning to tough it out and collapse in a heap after its done instead of staying put and dreading the collapse.

To those of you offering well wishes and suggestions via PMs, Thank you! I'll give you a beer or a hug or what ever when we meet up.

Untill the next time

REX

[preacherman]

jh504 just told me about this thread. Although I have not had time to read it all I thought I would chime in.

As you may be able to guess by my user name I am a full time minister. I have not only done a lot of counseling with people dealing with various struggles I too suffered from PTSD for about a year. You see 9 years ago I was an on site counselor at Columbine the day of the shootings. Afterwords I struggled deeply with depression and it took a long time to be able to sleep, rest, or even set still with any peace.

If I might offer some suggestions based on my personal experience and lots of time on "both" sides of the chair.

1. Seek professional help. Depression and PTSD cannot be overcome by yourself. It took me years to go to a counselor. I wrongly assumed that because I was a caregiver I did not need a caregiver. I was wrong.
2. If you are a spiritual person and read the bible try reading the Psalms. The psalms where written as kind of journal entry's to God and contain emotions everyone can relate with. They are open, honest, refreshing excerpts from someone who obviously also dealt with depression. They have high highs and low lows. You will find you will relate with both.
3. Find a community of other travelers. This might be a church or a "support group" or just some good friends. Remember one of the only differences between stressful situations and crisis situations are the coping mechanisms we have in place. This includes the people around you!
4. Lastly, and this may sound harsh, don't feed your depression Purposefully stay away from things that agitate or activate your depression until you get back on track. Some people wrongly assume that they needs to "confront" there emotions by experiencing things that agitate their depression. This wrong. After Columbine I had to stay away from movies/books/games that where violent because they would send me into an emotional tailspin. Whatever your trigger is STAY AWAY! As you get better you can SLOWLY reintroduce those things into your life.

I would love to help in any way I can! Unfortunately I will be leaving this weekend on a mission trip into Mexico and will not be able to check my e-mail or web for a week or so. Until then feel free to pm me or e-mail me.

I will be praying for everyone who mentioned they where struggling.

Preacherman

[KG6BWS]

I haven't posted anything on this thread in a few days because I hadn't anything encouraging to share............or did I? On Friday I was able to get together with Scott Brady and his beautiful wife Stephanie. We met at a local 'watering hole' and enjoyed some great conversation and an iced tea.

This forum is fantastic and the support that I have received is awsome but it's not the same as being in the same room with living breathing smiling supportive people. We talked about everything from getting a job, church attendence, tire sizes, movies, tears, magazines, on-line forums (both this one and the bad ones) and spent a couple of hours just being friends. After a short while, Chris (bajataco) showed up and joined in. Scott and Stephanie had a date night planned so after our good byes,(and a very welcome and totally unexpected $ gesture), Chris and I had dinner and a stroll around the Courthouse Square.

So much of the time I feel like I am so inarticulate, both in writing and verbally. I just wanted to offer up my public thanks for the folks that own-run-lead this forum. I'm not trying to make this into a 'hero worship' kind of thing, just attempting to let people who haven't met them know, that the quality you see on this forum and also in the pages of Overland Journal is a direct result of quality people.

On the PTSD front......I have some OK days and some horribly black days (evenings mostly). I have an appointment at The Guidence Clinic (county mental health dept) to-morrow morning and I hope that goes well. Our daughter (stray, employee, great family friend) said she noticed that I have gone noticably downhill. While that is NOT good news, I do find myself finally being able to get somethings done. I went out looking for a job last week and will continue this week as well. Those of you that have suffered (are suffering) with depression know about the felling of paralysis; The feeling that you just CANT get up and get even the simpilist thing done. That feeling is still there but I am beginning to tough it out and collapse in a heap after its done instead of staying put and dreading the collapse.

To those of you offering well wishes and suggestions via PMs, Thank you! I'll give you a beer or a hug or what ever when we meet up.

Untill the next time

REX

im glad to hear youre starting to work it out. getting help is the best thing you can do. i wish i had a long time ago. ive dealt with major depression for as long as i can remember and its only recently ive tried to get some help. i know exactly how it feels. ill be happy when i can at least get to a state of neutrality, not happy, not sad. im tired of feeling like this. like you said, not being able to get anything done. my parents have seen a major downturn with me over the last few months. thank god i work for my dad, cuz otherwise i wouldve been fired a long time ago. anyways, hope things get better for you.

[Rexsname]

I went to my Guidence Clinic appointment today for the 'intake' asessment. No, I'll not be admitted to a mental heath hospital ,just their word for the first meeting. The counselor was very interested in filling out all of the blank spots on her very long form so the interview was mostly a long series of short answers. As it turns out some of the questions were very much more painful to answer than others. It felt as though she had a very long thin knife and was poking around to see where it hurt. Some of the questions brought me to the point of horrible racking sobs almost before I understood the question. Others provoked no responce at all. She asked if I had ever been in any physical fights in which I had been 'knocked out'. I had. She asked how many times. I couldn't guess how many; more than five, less than twenty. She went on to tell me that head trauma has a cumulitive (sp) effect, much like hearing loss. Once is not too bad, two is very much worse, three is very bad indeed. I never considered any of these events to have been a head injury, it was just a sucky part of the job. Reason enough to be that much more on my guard for the next time. Just be tougher, stay alert and never give up in a fight. As my career went on and I began to work in the jail. Fights were more the rule than the exception. I can only remember being knocked out twice or three times in the 9 years 9 months I was there. I hate to fight, I despise to hurt people. But the attitude of the staff was almost as violent as the inmates.

I dont know where I was going with that last paragraph... just needed to vent I guess. The counselor reccomended some support groups that I plan on looking into. As of now, this on-line group of friends is my most valued support group. Those of you who have stepped up to lend me your support; I thank you and honour your friendship. Those of you who are following my struggles, thanks for reading along, I hope you gain some insight into mental illness. I'm not well but I'm not contagous;) . Those of you who wish I would just shut up and go away........not gonna happen!:yikes:

Thanks for listening

REX

[Streakerfreak]

Those of you who wish I would just shut up and go away........not gonna happen!:yikes:

Thanks for listening

REX

I highly doubt anyone on here would feel that way. At least I hope not.

[vengeful]

Rex, if you ever just shut up and go away, we'd all be very concerned. :camping:

[Dredzilla]

Wow!!! Ive been reading the forums here for about a month. drooling over all the nice rigs, trailers, expeditions and have been extremely jealous. I finally got the nerve to post here

I stumbled across this topic and was blown away! I had no idea that people felt the same as I do.

Ive always been very laid back easy going, quick to laugh and have fun. I was also raised in the John Wayne style, "suck it up your ok" But over the years last 8-10 i have become ALOT more serious. Was in the Oregon Army Nat. Guard went on a deployment. Came back and that is where things started to change. I didn't know what was changing or why but things were different. Started drinking more than I should have. then Sept. 22, 2007 I was in a pretty bad car accident http://expeditionportal.com/forum/showthread.php?t=15586 ( see link ) and all of my photos http://s173.photobucket.com/albums/w43/Johnclark_2007/ injury wise I was pretty worked over, almost lost my right foot got some painful hardware in there now, broke my back L1 and L2, slight tear in the right rotator cuff, nerve dmg from the seat belt on my left thigh, nerve dmg/ numbness bad weakness on my left arm. all of those hopefully will heal up. I really hope so, but got a nagging feeling that ill have to endure something (pain, numbness etc etc) for the rest of my life but the thing that has come to light in the last few months was the TBI = Traumatic Brain Injury.

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/tbi/tbi.htm

I had no idea that it was there,, i knew i got bonked in the head pretty good but wow, it explains alot. All of those symptoms listed on the site above yes I have them still.

I was unconscious about 45 mins, I came to, and called my boss to send help (we work alone for 12 hours at night) took about 1/2 hour for paramedics to show up, (secure facility and they had to find me (850 acres) another 45 minutes for the EMT's to get me out, my good* foot was pinned under the brake pedal.

spent 7 days in the hospital, then about a week after being home my sleep started to get bad, nightmares just "not tired" (of course im still exhausted) and certain situations I get the feeling of being "trapped" I find i push my way out (crowded areas) always looking for a exit. One of the many docs ive seen that I defiantly have PTSD and I know for a fact that I have some form of depression. haven't seen a doc for that yet, they want to take 1 thing at a time injury wise.

Ive been a Mr. mom since my daughter was born. longest I was away from her is when I went to Japan for 2 weeks. She is my life, and another reason why I don't want to take a sleeping aid. (too groggy to wake up)

I want to say thank you to all of you, I know im very new here, but thanks for reading it does help to talk about it. and everyone that has posted here YOUR NOT ALONE! I thought I was, but after reading this topic I know im not!

boy ive read and reread this post even before I "posted" it and if i ramble on or change subjects please forgive me. My "head" is kinda weird. I am at the point where I know there is probably alot more to tell / get off my chest but the thoughts in the ole noggin seem to be a bit scrambled tonite. Ill try and post more tomorrow.

[maxingout]

injury wise I was pretty worked over, almost lost my right foot got some painful hardware in there now, broke my back L1 and L2, slight tear in the right rotator cuff, nerve dmg from the seat belt on my left thigh, nerve dmg/ numbness bad weakness on my left arm. all of those hopefully will heal up.

When I was driving in New Zealand, I rolled my van and broke two legs, fractured five ribs, punctured one lung, had a hemothorax (bleeding into chest) fractured shoulder blade, and a dislocated knee cap. I spent nine days in the ICU, recieved three units of blood, and had three surgeries and two months in the hospital. It took nearly six months of therapy to be able to bend my right knee ninety degrees.

I mention all this to say that things eventually got back to nearly normal - not perfect - but relatively normal. The metal hardware in both legs caused discomfort, but one year after the accident we took the metal out, and that discomfort largely disappeared. I ended up with a right shoulder drop and permanent paresthesia/numbness in the fourth and fifth finger tips on the right hand - an irritating reminder of the accident but something that I can live with. I now walk normally and I pretty much have a full range of motion of my limbs.

Nerve damage heals at a rate of about a millimeter a day. These types of injuries take time to heal and require a lot of patience, but there is hope.

Keep on trucking because the odds for recovery are in your favor because you are young.

[Rexsname]

I'm back after a short set back. My Broadband card provider spoke with a forked tounge and even when I made the payment when asked, it was shut off and I had to make a second identical payment in order to get access to the web. I haven't dealt with finances since I was retired from the Sheriffs office (Carrie always handles things) so I'm having to relearn how to do the "grown-up" things. I was on the phone with them for over an hour trying to do the right thing and it seemed like every time I made a little progress I would come up against another brick wall. I was absolutely exhausted when I got home. AOL will not allow me to make a payment without Carries permission so I have to learn how to use Internet Explorer. I know that for some of you that would be a 'no-brainer' but its just another stressor to deal with. I cant understand why AOL would not want a customer to pay on an account. They said that they are going to send a form for her to fill out and have me send it back. More delays........

My biggest difficulty is the lack of face to face human contact. This forum and a few phone calls are a huge help but the human element is still missing to a great extent. I am starting to attend church again but the whole "church shopping" process is difficult.

Carrie phoned the other day and it was sooooo good to hear her voice. Unfortunately, it was one of my not good days and I broke down in tears when I was talking to her. She needs me to be strong and encouraging to her during her incarceration and I blew it. I am on the outside with all the freedom in the world and yet I cant hold it together for a 20 minute phone call. I really felt like I let her down, I know I was disappointed in myself. My family tries to encourage me but I still crave that human contact.

Carries next court date is coming up on the 23rd and they will be addressing her release conditions. Please pray for a reduction in her bail, she is not a flight risk.

REX

[Rexsname]

Yesterday was a good day! I went to church went to lunch and did some easy wheelin'. This morning I got out of bed and while I started out OK.....I feel like a shattered glass thrown on the floor. I have no idea what may have triggered it today but Its not good. I phoned the crisis line from the guidence clinic but they dont start answering the phone until 1830 or so. My thought processes are not clear and I'm in pain. It's just the plain old regular 'suffering from depression' pain. I dont think I've suffered a new injury. My legs and head are covered with bites from those pesky flies we were afflicted with all day. The hydracortizone cream doesn't seem to be helping. Niether does Benadryl cream.

I was so distraught earlier that I had to pull the truck to the side of the road and call a friend to have him pray for me.....I didn't think I could safely drive home. I feel like I'm going down hill and I'm more than a little bit scared. I dont know what I'm scared of but I am fearful. I hate being alone, but I hate interuppting other who have their lives together also. I wish I knew what to do.....

REX

[Rexsname]

Can a moderator please add this post to the PTSD thread? I messed up and started a new thread

REX

[njtaco]

Rex,

You are doing the right thing by starting with prayer. You are never alone, and you know that fact in your head, or you would not pray. I think you need to accept it in your heart.

Posting here (and elsewhere) allows people you don't know (or don't know well) to pray for you too. I'll be praying for you, and I have no doubt others will too, even if they don't post up.

Please check with the pharmacist regarding hydrocortizone and benedryl and any meds you are on, too.

God Bless,

Bob

[stevenmd]

Rex - you are not alone, prayers said.

[mountainpete]

Can a moderator please add this post to the PTSD thread? I messed up and started a new thread

REX

Done ;)

[UK4X4]

Rex,

we all hope and want to help you through your present issue, wether through prayer or just by being a group of people to listen and support.

Life brings many challenges along the way both mental and physical, recognising the problems is usually half the battle, seeking help and your 3/4's there, hang in there and things will improve

bites......well check these flea bites out..venezuelan style:yikes:

I use raw aloe direct from the plant to cool and take away the itching, available from your local garden center.....

http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g165/POshaughnessy/DSC_2219.jpg

[Rexsname]

UK4x4'
I found some Aloe Vera gel in the medicine cabinet this morning. It does seem to help some, but it is still pretty hard to take. I have a 7 hour drive to do on Thursday and then about a two hour set up to get ready for a weekend gig. I sure hope I'm feeling better by then. Any of you in the Southern California area, We will be at the Mohave Narrows, in Victorville, this weekend for the Huck Finn Bluegrass Festival. (shameless plug) By way of tying that plug into this thread, it would be good to see some like minded people there. Puting faces with screen-names is helpful to me.

REX

[KG6BWS]

UK4x4'
I found some Aloe Vera gel in the medicine cabinet this morning. It does seem to help some, but it is still pretty hard to take. I have a 7 hour drive to do on Thursday and then about a two hour set up to get ready for a weekend gig. I sure hope I'm feeling better by then. Any of you in the Southern California area, We will be at the Mohave Narrows, in Victorville, this weekend for the Huck Finn Bluegrass Festival. (shameless plug) By way of tying that plug into this thread, it would be good to see some like minded people there. Puting faces with screen-names is helpful to me.

REX

if youll be around saturday morning ill be heading thru that way on my way to vegas, lil sisters 21st bday. maybe get a cup of coffee or somethin.

on another note, went to my therapist today, most people dont realize how hard it is to answer questions when all you want to do is cry because youre thinking about the answer to said question....

[Rexsname]

I'll be there, It runs from Friday till Sunday evening. We'll tear down, pack up and head back to Arizona after we get done. I'll spend as much time with you as I can but I hope we will be busy. :wavey: I'm guessing that attendence will be down somewhat but I'm hopeing for the best. Fortunately, there are alot of grandparents there to spoil the grandkids. Grandparents are the best customers a facepainter can have!!!

I can totally relate to crying during the questions.......There were some of the questions that broke me up so quickly I almost didn't remember what she was asking. I cant figure out how some questions were a big nothing to answer and others were........... devastating. Were you as wiped out and exhausted as I was when you got done? I was shaking and everything...

It is plainly evident to me that niether of us are alone in our struggle. The support and prayers given by the members of this forum have certainly helped me and have given me the encouragement I need to struggle toward making good choices and away from self destructive behaviour.

REX

[TheGillz]

I will pray Gods grace for you for this...
struggle toward making good choices and away from self destructive behaviour.

[4Rescue]

Kellymoe:I hope ya get feeling better. It's wierd, it takes about a week for the really gnarly stuff to sink in for me. Basicly in our line of work, there's no avoiding this kind of thing. We see alot and have to make our day dealing with all the things that people aren't ready to deal with. I'm not trying to sound callous mate, I just can't explain it and I can't seem to beat it. What's worse is that the majority of us in EMS are hard headed people to begin with and we don't want to admit that were literaly having what most people would call an emotional breakdown from time to time. PTSD is a real thing, buti prefer to just call it what it is: SHOCK. hypo volemic, traumatic whatever you want to call it, seeing and doing what we do can put the human body into shock. Hell, they're calling the night shift carcinogenic now...

I'm not into god or religion, so I can't help you there, but whatever helps you feel better and be better, more power to ya.

Cheers

Dave

[stevenmd]

Any of you in the Southern California area, We will be at the Mohave Narrows, in Victorville, this weekend for the Huck Finn Bluegrass Festival. (shameless plug) By way of tying that plug into this thread, it would be good to see some like minded people there. Puting faces with screen-names is helpful to me.

REX
Let me know if you ever make it up to the NorCal area.

[calamaridog]

Study shows long-term 9/11 stress in lower Manhattan By Claudia Parsons
Fri Jun 13, 8:22 AM ET


One in eight people who lived near the World Trade Center at the time of the September 11 attacks in 2001 were still suffering post traumatic stress disorder two to three years later, a new study indicated on Friday.

The study, based on a 2003-2004 survey of 11,000 lower Manhattan residents, showed low-income and less educated people were more prone to PTSD, as were divorced people, with around one in five in those groups reporting symptoms.

Authors of the study called for further monitoring of PTSD victims from the neighborhood and the city urged them to take advantage of free mental health services.

The condition is an anxiety disorder sparked by traumatic experiences of intense fear, horror or hopelessness. Symptoms include irritability or anger, sleep difficulties, trouble concentrating, extreme vigilance, flashbacks and nightmares.

The New York City health department, which conducted the study, said it was the first to measure the attack's long-term effect on the mental health of the community.

It said it was now analyzing the results of a follow-up survey conducted six years after the 9/11 attacks and would release new health findings in the coming months.

The study published on Friday in the Journal of Traumatic Stress showed 12.6 percent of all respondents suffered PTSD in 2003-2004. Women were more likely to have PTSD, at 15 percent, compared to 10 percent of men.

One in five African Americans and nearly one in four Hispanics suffered PTSD, it showed, compared to 10.7 percent of white residents. People earning less than $25,000 a year showed a rate of nearly 20 percent.

Residents who were injured in the attacks were most likely to be still suffering PTSD two or three years later, at 38 percent. Others most affected included those who witnessed violent deaths and those caught in the dust cloud after the towers collapsed -- around 17 percent in each case.

The study cited figures from previous studies of the general population of the city showing that 8 percent of Manhattan residents reported symptoms of PTSD at five to eight weeks after the attacks, a rate that fell to 2 percent at four months and less than 1 percent at six months.

The new study showed that residents of lower Manhattan were more likely to be dealing with psychological problems from the attacks even two or three years later than the wider population of New York at six months after the attacks.

It said one potential explanation was those living in the area had constant reminders of the attack and more disruption to their daily routine. Many may have also been evacuated from their homes immediately after the attacks.

"We therefore believe these residents require more in-depth mental health monitoring, independent of the larger metropolitan area," the authors of the study wrote.

[expoxj]

Hi, I just read this thread crawling around on the board and I wanted to say THANK YOU to all the people on here involved in public service, that can lead to PTSD. I can only speak for myself but you know al least one person out there is extremely apreciative off the hard work and the fact you lay your life on the line for us "civies" every day. Not only your life and death but your life as a human being dealing with unimaginable sites and experiences.

I also want to make sure to include those in the armed forces. I give a standing ovation to all you and your service.

:clapsmile

Noah

[Rexsname]

Noah,

Thank you for your support. I didn't get into Law Enforcement to get thanks or anything, I just thought it would be cool to wear a uniform, carry a gun and drive fast.:jumping: The academy staff briefly touched on the stress aspect of the job during the first week but I dont think they talked for more than 3 or 4 minutes about it. I know and understand that the hireing agency needs to make sure that the new hires can handle stressful situations but they also need to see to it that the people they hire are treated as people. My 21 weeks in the Police Academy were some of the best times in my life. As much as I enjoyed it it did not prepare me for "mans inhumanity to man". I could only tough it out so long before I became damaged.

I talked to an investigator today who was medically retired......I was actually jealous that he was in a motor vehicle accident. I realize how stupid that sounds.........I dont wish injury on anyone. I just am so fed up with being damaged goods. I try so hard to focus my thoughts and end up forgetting to do the easiest tasks. I do ok on some things and fall flat on my face on others.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.......This forum is what I look forward to when I get down and it helps me back up again. THANK YOU ALL!!


REX

[nwoods]

How was your weekend Rex, did you get out to California?

[ntsqd]

....I try so hard to focus my thoughts and end up forgetting to do the easiest tasks. I do ok on some things and fall flat on my face on others.
Hell, that's my normal day! Mom could never understand why I can remember minute detail trivia about some esoteric vehicle/firearm/bicycle/etc., but couldn't consistently (& still don't) remember to set the trash out on Thursdays.
I've found that my life is much nicer to live if I just don't sweat things like forgetting to take the trash out. Why worry about it, they'll come by again next week.
People, particularly around here, are in such a rush to get things done that they're not really living - they're existing. They're the cog that Bob Segar sings about.

Slow down, enjoy what you've got, don't sweat the small stuff.

[Rexsname]

We made it out to Victorville just fine, thank you. Business was WAY down this year. I'm guessing we did about 33% of a normal year. This was my first year of tent camping. The tent-cot was.....OK at best. Very bulky to pack away. Very small when set up. I think my biggest gripe was that there is no way to vent the tent and retain some privacy. Our breath condenced quite badly and we woke up to a drippy roof.

The people at the event were just as nice as can be, they always have been. The music was good the food was good the weather was crazy hot in the daytime and almost too cool at night. Between the heat of the day and my weakness from last years heart attack, I had a very hard time of it.

I know that I need to go out and find some kind of a job but I just dont know if I'm hireable to an employer. I'll just keep banging away at it and resolve to be as honest as I know how with potential employers. I cant ask any less of myself.

REX

[Rexsname]

For those who care........................ I have actually had three good days in a row!!:sunflower Not just 'ok' not just 'not bad' but good. Thank you for your support and prayers. I have some more hurdles to clear of course. Carrie has her next court date on Monday, we still will need your prayers. I know I need her to take care of me. The things I do that feel like alot really dont add up to much. I paid a bill the other day and felt like I had accomplished a great deal.

REX

[nwoods]

Awesome report Rex. Keep walking it out.

[ExpoMike]

Hang in there and keep moving forward in a positive manner. Sending best thoughts and wishes for the court date on Monday. :sunflower

[Sloan]

Don't look at it like these little things I do don't add up to much, apparently they do you've had three good days in a row. I'm so stoked for you, good luck on monday! :victory:

[ntsqd]

I'm really glad to hear this!

[Rexsname]

Tomorrow is a big day for us, We are both hopeful, nervous and scared. The court system will be reviewing her conditions of release. I wish I could share some of the details but I would be ill-advised to do so. I will say this tho.....She wants to come home! I need her to be home so that I can begin getting better. She deserves to have a fully functional husband. I want/need to take care of her.

Those of you who pray......yes please! I need to be strong and able to hold myself together in court.

REX

[ExpoMike]

Wishing for the very best to you and your wife. Good luck.

Remember, you can not control what will happen in life, you can only control your reaction to the situation. Even if things don't go as well as you hope, your reaction will be the difference on how you move forward.

Stay strong. :)

[Scenic WonderRunner]

I'll be praying for you....Rex!


Not to take away from this thread............and not wanting to start a new one!

I think I currently qualify for PTSD!

I recently came home to this!

Now tell me..........

Why would somebody go through the trouble of cutting off my garage door lock....... and then install their own lock.........and lock it in the Open position>?!!!!!!

Lucky thing there are multiple locks on the Inside........so they did Not get in!

Now I'm Locked and Loaded........and checking Every Sound around the house! Not a fun way to live!

I'm even looking at Live Wire Fence transformers at Home Depot! That would give them a Jolt!

Anyone have any insight as to why?


http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i156/ScenicWonderRunner/2008_0618ArizonaSpring20080242.jpg

[Rexsname]

SWR,

I dont know what to say.....The only time I have ever seen a Locked open situation was with a rental storage unit. Is the damage behind the new lock new? Was the door damaged when your lock was cut off? Is the Police Department helping at all? Insurance investigator? I'm at a loss......

REX

[Scenic WonderRunner]

The damage/cuts on the door appear to be from bolt cutters!

I'm locked and loaded!..............:ar15: :ar15: :ar15: :orngartis





.

[Rexsname]

I dont have anything substantive to report from todays hearing. The door was not slammed shut in our faces niether was it thrown open. More hurry up and wait. I was not allowed to speak to or for Carrie. I hope to speak with her tomorrow.

I also had a Doctors appointment this afternoon. He set me for some blood work and heart stress tests. Oh goooody! More Stress:ar15: I was very tired after a stressful morning that I dont recall exactly what all was discussed at the medical appointment. I guess I will know what they want me to do shortly before I am to do it.:o

I really feel inarticulate.....I cant properly express myself and it frustrates me. I thank you for your prayers. I thank you for the moral support. Some of you have provided financial support that has been an amazing blessing. Most of you ,I have never met. I am eager to remedy this. Thank you for being my friends...........

REX

[Rexsname]

This has been a rough week for me. Physical pain, mental and emotional stress and loneliness have taken thier toll. I know that I can't give up, but it is harder and harder to hold it together. My ability to focus is just about gone. I just can't hardly keep from crying. This is hard


REX

[vengeful]

This has been a rough week for me. Physical pain, mental and emotional stress and loneliness have taken thier toll. I know that I can't give up, but it is harder and harder to hold it together. My ability to focus is just about gone. I just can't hardly keep from crying. This is hard


REX

I know there's nothing I can post to make this any easier for you Rex. Just know that each of us is pulling for you to beat this. Talking is a great way to let it out. If you keep stuff bottled up inside, it eventually takes the path of a cluttered garage where you can never find t he right tool at the right time. It is important to keep your emotions and thoughts organized, just like your garage and tool chests, so when the time comes to react to, or fix, something, you've got the right resources at your disposal.

I know that when you're suffering it's hard to "organize" your mind and heart, but it helps. It helped me a lot.

As always, if you need anything, we're only a mouse click away!

[Rexsname]

My sister is here from Oregon. She has come to help my parents pack up their house after having lived there for 25 years. Mom and Dad are in their 80s and are moving to Salem OR to move into a 'new' retirement home. While moving boxes this afternoon, Mom fell down the stairs. Nothing broken and only a few bandaids. She will be heading off to Oregon in a couple of weeks and Dad shortly thereafter. Her eyesight is all but gone, she can't hear well at all and she is not happy about losing her independence.

I dont know that I'm able to sit down and tell her how much I love her and thank her for her example and hard work. I fear that when she leaves for Oregon I'll not see her again.

This would be a hard thing to go through if I were mentally/emotionally well and stable, but I'm not quite there.(yet) I feel like I am getting worse, rather than better. I am scared most of the time. I have terrible thoughts of what may happen, but need to be strong for my wife. I'm not scared for myself so much but rather for how it would affect Carrie.

I've just re-read this posting and I think it reads worse than it should. I long for human contact but dont want to blubber and cry infront of a friend. I fear I wouldn't do much better on the phone.

I hate sounding like such a downer..........I like happy alot better than whatever the he@# this is.

REX

[Rexsname]

Oh yeah, my sister......She came over to my house and helped with going thru boxes of paperwork and clutter. I feel better about having gone through them and shredding the stuff that needed to have been shredded. Getting rid of actual clutter DID help with some of the mental clutter. My sister was(is) a Godsend in this chore and yet another person I can't let down by doing something stupid.

REX

[Rexsname]

I dont know what "I cant go on anymore" really means But I think I came pretty close yesterday. I woke up a little weepy and by the time I got in the shower I was broken. I called the Guidence Clinic and went through the phone tree 6 times!! "Please listen carefuly to the following options........" "Please enter your partys extention now......" Please enter the mailbox Identifier after the tone............" I couldn't get a human to talk to so I just gathered myself up and drove down to thier office. The squeaky wheel gets the grease! I was able to speak with a counselor for about an hour and have a standing apointment each monday. At some point in the process I will have a psych-eval and then they will know more about what needs to be done.

It was hard to get this process started about a month ago. It was HARD to wait until my turn was supposed to come up. It was embarrassing and upsetting and very hard to bump my place and just go in and demand services.

I know that I'm not alone in my struggle with depression/PTSD/mental illness. Even tho it's hard to do, You owe it to yourselves and the people who love you to make the diffucult step and ask, plead, demand some help. I am not well yet. I dont see the light at the end of this very long tunnel. I sometimes feel as if the tunnel is colapsing in on me. But now I know that someone will be digging in to help rescue me.

Thanks for letting me vent,

REX

[nwoods]

GOOD JOB REX.

Not long ago you struggled to get up. Now you are taking action and getting out and GETTING HELP. These are positives, and a sign of growing strength. You may not feel it, but it's there.

How's the trip planning going for Dusy?

[SpeedAgent]

You are doing the right things. A piece of advice that was given to me not too long ago that I now live by:

"Slow and steady wins the race" so nothing happens overnight. Keep doing what you're doing.

Chris

[ntsqd]

Second both above. I had been thinking about how to phrase a response and they said it better than the road I was going down.

[kellymoe]

Rex,

I'm praying hard for you every day. I believe deeply in intercessory prayer. Keep the updates coming so I know what to pray for.

[Rexsname]

Thank you all for the kind and encouraging words:arabia: . I dont know what the future might hold but I cherish these friendships.

"Slow and steady wins the race" I dont know how steady I am in all this. I seem to go in fits and starts. After I have a day where I feel like I have accomplished something/anything, I am so tired that I wonder if it's worth it.

"How are the plans for the Dusy?" Sorta on hold, it's been a bad week for me. I put a couple of blue ice thingys in the Coleman Coolmatic on Monday along with some frozen water bottles. This morning when I checked, the blue ices were still frozen in the middle. It has been plugged in, in the house this whole time. I have the A/C on. While I appreciate the offer of the loan of the ARB, I think I have too much on my plate to properly deal with all of the logistics of the pick up and return. I hope you can understand. I am going to do my best to fit as much frozen and pre-cooled stuff in the cheapy cooler as possible and hope for the best.

Thom, You have been steadfast since the beginning and I am truely grateful.

[Rexsname]

Kellymoe,

I got plugged into a Bible study group that starts a week from today. Thank you for praying for me. I have such a hard time praying, my ability to focus and quiet my mind are greatly deminished. Even posting on this forum requires a great deal of effort to write things done the way I want it to sound. I know that all of our prayers are 'getting through' . Carrie is also comforted by these prayers. She wants so badly to be able to take care of me but circumstances dont allow that at the moment.

WhenI was younger, I only wanted to be a good Cop and a godly husband. I might still have a shot at the second one.

Thank you for praying for me, please dont stop.

REX

[ntsqd]

You're welcome, Rex.
If you were always steady you'd have nothing to judge the non-steady times by. A life of perfect smoothness would be dull indeed. Learning how to damp out the extremes should be the goal. At least the lows. Let's leave the highs in place! :)


Rex,

I'm praying hard for you every day. I believe deeply in intercessory prayer. Keep the updates coming so I know what to pray for.
Kellymoe,
How are you yourself doing?
There have been others who've posted troubles in dealing with this. I'd like to hear how you are doing too.

[kellymoe]

You're welcome, Rex.
If you were always steady you'd have nothing to judge the non-steady times by. A life of perfect smoothness would be dull indeed. Learning how to damp out the extremes should be the goal. At least the lows. Let's leave the highs in place! :)


Kellymoe,
How are you yourself doing?
There have been others who've posted troubles in dealing with this. I'd like to hear how you are doing too.

Well in light of everyone else I consider myself doing quite well. I feel I am a "recovering" PTSD victim. I hate to use the word victim though. I have a wife who is very understanding and as I begin to feel more and more normal I can pick up and share the load with my wife. My biggest struggle right now is pain. I am 4 years post back surgery and suffer from chronic back pain. This obviously didn't help with and contributed significantly to the depression. Don't ever get hurt at work. It is like pulling teeth to get in to a pain management program even though I was granted "lifetime medical" after my injury. I am no closer today than I was 6 months ago in getting into a pain program. I live my life on 4 Vicodin a day which helps a lot but gets expensive paying out of pocket because work comp wont help.
The think I am most thankful for is that I can continue to work with no restrictions as a fireman. I don't know what I would do if I had to leave on a disability pension. I need to gut it out 10 more years for retirement. I'll be 51 then and although that is young I already feel 51 physically. I had a tough time rolling out of bed this morning. Being a fireman/paramedic in LA takes a toll both physically and mentally. Don't get me wrong though, I love my job.

Right now I'm heading out to the garage to make a garden trellis out of some round steel I just bought. Welding is a good way to keep my mind off the pain.


Thanks for asking.


Kevin

[Rexsname]

I just got a cancellation letter from a huge fair. Last year we grossed almost 14K in a ten day event. Now that hope is gone, I just dont know how I will make it. I just dont know.......

I may end up losing the house as well as my sanity
Kellymoe,

I'm sorry to hear about your pain and the need for meds. But I'm glad to hear that you seem to be doing so much better. I hope you continue to improve. Its good to hear about someone else catching a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel.

REX

[mtn-high]

I'm sorry to hear of your pain, kellymoe.

PLEASE be careful with the Vicodins/etc.

I know the drill on back pain, tho I've not let 'em cut on me they would really like to get in there. DDD and a lifetime of physical labor has taken it's toll and my neck/back take turns tossing me pain on a daily basis.

I took their pills too...and I got seriously addicted as a result. After years of recreational drinking and drugging I *thought* I could handle anything that was tossed my way....but wow...the oxy just plain kicked my *** and had me in it's grip like nothing else I'd ever ingested.

4 years of addiction followed. Yeah...it's legal...but I realized that I was a junkie just the same when I had to turn around on the family vacation and head back home because I SOMEHOW drove off and forgot my pills and I knew that if I didn't take em I'd go into withdrawals...

I felt like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde....and the only time I felt "normal" was when I was ridin' on a good dose...

I finally had enough. Went to my doc and asked him if he'd consider medical marijuana as a substitute or a way to lessen the narco dosages. Being a classic pill-pusher doc...he refused...and actually freaked out and told me that if I smoked marijuana I might "become impaired"! Say what? I'm a JUNKIE and you fear I'll be HIGH? Wow. What an idiot.

So I FIRED HIM on the spot. Of course, by doing so I cut myself off from my narcs and went into full-blown opiate withdrawal that was VERY scary... but after 4 days I came out of it and felt REBORN.

I found a new doctor....and I'm now a legal "med patient" and life has never been better. I gained back most of the 40 pounds I lost while on the oxy and all other aspects of my life have also righted themselves. (mood/appettite/sex drive/hope)

I see you're a fireman. Unfortunately our society still has a serious misunderstanding about this drug and it's benefits in the non-recreational arena and many employers are not yer onboard as far as viewing the use of this drug in the workplace in the same light as say..Vicodin. Sadly, you can take all the Vic you want and not even remember having that water hose in your hand but if they find THC in your system from a joint you smoked after work it is more than likely going to be a problem.

This needs to change. Again..."idiots".

Anyway...sorry to clog yer thread...I just needed to get that out and tell my story. Many folks don't agree with medical marijuana use...but then again...they may not have ever been an addict and to me/from that position...they know NOT what they speak of and their viewpoints are moot until they've walked in these shoes. (We'll see how tough they are THEN..huh? LOL)

be safe, be well all.

mtn-high

[kellymoe]

I'm sorry to hear of your pain, kellymoe.

PLEASE be careful with the Vicodins/etc.

I know the drill on back pain, tho I've not let 'em cut on me they would really like to get in there. DDD and a lifetime of physical labor has taken it's toll and my neck/back take turns tossing me pain on a daily basis.

I took their pills too...and I got seriously addicted as a result. After years of recreational drinking and drugging I *thought* I could handle anything that was tossed my way....but wow...the oxy just plain kicked my *** and had me in it's grip like nothing else I'd ever ingested.

4 years of addiction followed. Yeah...it's legal...but I realized that I was a junkie just the same when I had to turn around on the family vacation and head back home because I SOMEHOW drove off and forgot my pills and I knew that if I didn't take em I'd go into withdrawals...

I felt like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde....and the only time I felt "normal" was when I was ridin' on a good dose...

I finally had enough. Went to my doc and asked him if he'd consider medical marijuana as a substitute or a way to lessen the narco dosages. Being a classic pill-pusher doc...he refused...and actually freaked out and told me that if I smoked marijuana I might "become impaired"! Say what? I'm a JUNKIE and you fear I'll be HIGH? Wow. What an idiot.

So I FIRED HIM on the spot. Of course, by doing so I cut myself off from my narcs and went into full-blown opiate withdrawal that was VERY scary... but after 4 days I came out of it and felt REBORN.

I found a new doctor....and I'm now a legal "med patient" and life has never been better. I gained back most of the 40 pounds I lost while on the oxy and all other aspects of my life have also righted themselves. (mood/appettite/sex drive/hope)

I see you're a fireman. Unfortunately our society still has a serious misunderstanding about this drug and it's benefits in the non-recreational arena and many employers are not yer onboard as far as viewing the use of this drug in the workplace in the same light as say..Vicodin. Sadly, you can take all the Vic you want and not even remember having that water hose in your hand but if they find THC in your system from a joint you smoked after work it is more than likely going to be a problem.

This needs to change. Again..."idiots".

Anyway...sorry to clog yer thread...I just needed to get that out and tell my story. Many folks don't agree with medical marijuana use...but then again...they may not have ever been an addict and to me/from that position...they know NOT what they speak of and their viewpoints are moot until they've walked in these shoes. (We'll see how tough they are THEN..huh? LOL)

be safe, be well all.

mtn-high

I absolutely agree with you. My concern with the vicodin is not so much the dependency but the amount of Tylenol intake. Tylenol takes a toll on the liver and kidneys after a while. I take blood tests about every 6 weeks just to keep an eye on it and so far so good. I tried methadone for pain for a month and while it worked it made me feel like crap. I stopped taking that and had withdrawals immediately, so I tapered off over a week and was fine after that. My doc gave me slow release morphine pills which take the edge off and have very little to no "high" effect and it lets me take less vicodin. Now down to 2 1/2 to 3 vicodin a day and hoping to get off them completely. The slow release morphine pills release over 24 hours and have no Tylenol.

If I didnt work for the fire dept. I would be all over the med marijuana. A co workers father died of cancer recently and he used marijuana for the pain and it made all the difference. Marijuana has a stigma which I believe is totally unfounded. As a paramedic I see the terrible affects of alcohol everyday. In the last 20 years I cant recall one domestic dispute or violent crime that was caused by marijuana. Alcohol is a much more destructive drug on our society.

[Rexsname]

I had my first counselling appointment this morning. I dont know how well it went but I feel better having made the effort to go. The counselor was easy to talk to and made me feel quite abit better.

The good news is that Carrie may be out tomorrow on a reduced bond. I love her more than oxygen, I'm working hard to make this happen.

REX

[Streakerfreak]

I had my first counselling appointment this morning. I dont know how well it went but I feel better having made the effort to go. The counselor was easy to talk to and made me feel quite abit better.

The good news is that Carrie may be out tomorrow on a reduced bond. I love her more than oxygen, I'm working hard to make this happen.

REX

That is Fantastic!

[Dredzilla]

That is Awesome Rex!! glad to hear it!! It looks like that things are improving for you, I am glad to hear it.

I know in my life things normally get worse before they get better, and currently that is the case. Had the split with the mother of my daughter, and the ensuing custody fight. but had some good info from the Docs, and physical therapist today. So one day at a time and I am very happy to hear that your doing better!!

[nwoods]

Awesome Rex, I am very happy for you both.

[Rexsname]

:wings: Hi to all, I am FINALY OUT..... Thank you for ALL your Prayers and support, I had a bail of $750,000.00 Cash only when I was first incarcerated. NO I did not murder anyone, It is because I happen tp have a diplomatic passport from when I was performing with the Moscow Circus (For those of you who don't know I happen to be a Ringling Bros. Clown) It was reduced to 50,000 bondable and with your prayers and support for me and my husband I truly Thank all of you. He has been suffering for a very long time and this forum has greatly relieved some of his stress and for that I am greatly greatful that you were there for him. Im home now and it will be a long battle in the court, But again I am home and I am here for him. Words cant express how much this friendship has helped my husband in his time of need. God Bless, we will pray for all of you as well

Carrie

[kellymoe]

This is the best news I have heard in a long time. Rex and Carrie, you have been in my prayers since this thread started and will continue to be. Rex, please keep us updated on how you are doing.


On another note, I have had about the crappiest week I have had in about a year. Things just seem to be piling up and feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Work issues, back pain is worse, my back injury is a result of going through the roof at a fir and now work comp wont pay for pain management. In the last 3 years I have paid out $14k out of my own pocket to deal with the pain. As I told my wife, i don't question God through all this or ask why. It just plain old sucks. Up until 10 days ago I was emotionally feeling great but now I have been in a tail spin of sorts. The one positive thing is that I am greatly looking forward to a trip to Coyote Flats on the 23-26 of July. A year ago I would not have even been able to look forward to a trip or something enjoyable. Say a prayer for me. I'm at work for the next 48 hours and will check in from time to time.

Kevin

[grahamfitter]

:wings: Hi to all, I am FINALY OUT..... Thank you for ALL your Prayers and support, I had a bail of $750,000.00 Cash only when I was first incarcerated. NO I did not murder anyone, It is because I happen tp have a diplomatic passport from when I was performing with the Moscow Circus (For those of you who don't know I happen to be a Ringling Bros. Clown) It was reduced to 50,000 bondable and with your prayers and support for me and my husband I truly Thank all of you. He has been suffering for a very long time and this forum has greatly relieved some of his stress and for that I am greatly greatful that you were there for him. Im home now and it will be a long battle in the court, But again I am home and I am here for him. Words cant express how much this friendship has helped my husband in his time of need. God Bless, we will pray for all of you as well

Carrie


That's great news! Good luck for what comes next...

Cheers,
Graham

[njtaco]

Praying up thanks for Carrie coming home, for Rex to get well, and for Kellymoe (Kevin) for relief from pain...and for them and all the others in this thread to be strong, healed, and positive. God Bless :sunny:

[Rexsname]

Kevin (Kellymoe),

Carrie and I will continue in prayer for you. Having a trip to look forward to will probably help to cheer you up and make you feel better.

It feels SO good to feel better.

REX

[kellymoe]

Thanks for the prayers everyone. Just the fact that things are going good for Rex and Carrie give me something positive to think about.

Keep the prayers up, and for you non praying types I could use your good thoughts:)

[mtn-high]

I absolutely agree with you. My concern with the vicodin is not so much the dependency but the amount of Tylenol intake. Tylenol takes a toll on the liver and kidneys after a while. I take blood tests about every 6 weeks just to keep an eye on it and so far so good. I tried methadone for pain for a month and while it worked it made me feel like crap. I stopped taking that and had withdrawals immediately, so I tapered off over a week and was fine after that. My doc gave me slow release morphine pills which take the edge off and have very little to no "high" effect and it lets me take less vicodin. Now down to 2 1/2 to 3 vicodin a day and hoping to get off them completely. The slow release morphine pills release over 24 hours and have no Tylenol.

If I didnt work for the fire dept. I would be all over the med marijuana. A co workers father died of cancer recently and he used marijuana for the pain and it made all the difference. Marijuana has a stigma which I believe is totally unfounded. As a paramedic I see the terrible affects of alcohol everyday. In the last 20 years I cant recall one domestic dispute or violent crime that was caused by marijuana. Alcohol is a much more destructive drug on our society.

Kevin

I'm pullin for ya, man. I can see the pain in your words and I see the reaction it is having on your life. You are fortunate to have someone who loves you in your life to help you through..but even that can be stressful because BOTH parties feel inadequate and helpless when yer riding "The Pain Train".

I know you don't know me..but wow...from reading your words I can see that we've held the same mirror and have seen the same reflections tossed back at us.

I started on Vicodins..5/500. Tylenol has always given me a good WHAP to the gut but I put up with it for the first part of my "pain management" (addiction) because..well..you know how it is..you'll simply do ANYTHING to stop that pain..even temporarily.

Once I got used to the knockdown and the buzz the pills gave me I put up with the nausea and the upset stomach the Tylenol gave me *just* prior to the opiates hitting my system . After that happened...all was well...or so I told myself.

Like you..2000-3000+ mg of Tylenol a day concerned me...and when I complained about stomach upset my doc put me on Norco...5/325, the lowest dosage combo of Tylenol/opiate.....but after awile he ratcheted my dosage to 8 pills a day and I was back eating a bunch of Tylenol. It was then that he put me on the oxycodone IR(instant release) 5 mg pills....containing no Tylenol whatsoever.

I was getting 200 a month... and for awhile there near the end I was taking *anything else* anyone would hand me that had opiates in them. Uhhhuuum.

What we will do to ourselves for a bit of relief is staggering...and the burdens society places upon us for seeking relief is shameful...such as the stigma in the jobplace with marijuana when used in this same light.

And hey..I must admit that the BRAINWASHING *is* complete in America... because as someone who has smoked pot as both a teen and an adult "recreationally" (aka, illegally) it took ME awhile to lose *the stigma* you speak of even as a legal patient and I kept the fact I was smoking daily hidden for a year+ from family and casual friends because I didn't want any fallout for the wife @ work/etc.

However, changes will not be made in laws and more importantly..in that stigma you speak of if regular/good folks out there (like the people who read this board) don't hear some of the "success" stories that I hear everyday as a patient.

Anyway..just watch out for that opiate suckerpunch.

PM's are always open, FWIW.

mtn-high

[vengeful]

Rex,

I'm very glad to hear that Carrie is out and home now. Keep plugging and well keep pulling for ya.

Kevin,

Sorry to hear about your troublesome week man. I can't really offerany personal insight, but I'm definitely pulling for ya, too.

[ExpoMike]

Congrats to Rex and Carrie. I am very sure you both are so happy to be back together and work through your problems as a couple. It truly does make all the difference in the world and makes overcoming those problems a little bit easier. :wings:

For Kevin, hang in there. I can't say I know exactly what you are going through but I have had my own issues with my knee and dealing with three knee surguries. I have been lucky that we found an injection treatment that is working very well and I am doing things without the pain and major swelling that I used to experience before this treatment.

Hang in there.

[Rexsname]

:arabia: I figured that I would give you fine folks a bit of an update......

I am feeling well enough that I went back to work a couple of weeks ago. I got a job at the local Oil Change shop. The manager actually approached me and asked if I would like to give it a try. I have been a customer there for years. It's more physically demanding than I thought it would be but I seem to be keeping up OK. Carrie is working again also and says she is enjoying it.

Carrie and I have been attending church each week, and while it doesn't feel like 'home' yet, we feel better and are beginning to make friends and getting involved.

I had my nuclear stress test done on my heart yesterday, I wont know the results for a few days but I'd guess I did OK.

We still have the legal issue hanging over our heads, so there is that big stressor for us to deal with. More hurry up and wait and all the frustrations that go along with it.

Our finances are looking pretty grim about now. ( anyone else?) We are going to be renting out one of our bedrooms and opening our home. I'm not real excited about this but the money will be a welcome addition.

With all the support and prayers that you all have sent our way, I thought I would again say "Thank you!!" Hope to see you on the trail:safari-rig:

REX

[ntsqd]

I had just thought yesterday to send you a PM asking how you're doing. While not all great news, it sounds like things are generally looking up!

How about the others who've posted? Any updates on your situations?

[nwoods]

Rex, it's great to hear from you. You were very much on my mind recently. We haven't heard much from you since your trip to NorCal. It's great to hear that you guys have found work and are on the path towards physical and spiritual health. I am now shifting my prayers for financial health...for all of us!

[kellymoe]

I'll post a little later. Things are going pretty well.

Kevin

[kellymoe]

I have been doing pretty good. Work has been fun, went to a large fire in the Los Feliz area a few days ago, a paper warehouse went up in flames. Thats why guys become firemen, right? I feel like I dodged a bullet a few weeks ago. I usually ride on the hook and ladder but our captain had a meeting so I took his spot on the engine. Just as I switched my gear to the engine the hook and ladder and paramedic rescue were dispatched to a train derailment, the Metrolink train wreck. They spent the next 12 hours pulling bodies out of the twisted wreckage. I was fortunate to remain back at the station. While I feel i am in a good place and can handle an incident of that magnitude, I am glad I didnt have to. When our rescue returned to the station the medics had that thousand yard stare in their eyes and it took them a few days to start acting like themselves again.
Like I said, it's good to feel like I can handle a big incident but feel fortunate when I dont have to.

[Rexsname]

Kevin,

I'm glad you missed that. Even tho you would have been able to do your job well and professionaly, I'd bet that it would have set you back. See to it that your co-workers get the help that they need (and may not ask for)

Glad you're well enough to post!

REX